Our dog died and I am not handling it well (Update)

My boyfriend's corgi died around 2 AM on August 22nd. I considered this dog to be my dog too. He was our best friend. I slept with him cuddled up with me every single night. In the morning he would growl at my boyfriend when he kissed me before going to work because he wanted to protect me. He was the funniest, goofiest, happiest, most loving dog I have ever come across. Last night around 2 AM the corgi, Dexter, asked to go pee (he always let us know when he had to go), so I let him out. I watched a 15 minute long YouTube video, called him back in, but he never came. He refused to come inside before, and in these instances he was sleeping under a bush we have in our yard. Basically, I wasn't worried because he refused to come in before and it's summer so the weather was nice. Little did I know that he probably died a couple minutes after I let him outside. He was already gone by the first time I called for him. My boyfriend found him this morning. I can't believe he is gone. I keep expecting him to come back in when I open the door, but he's never coming back in. I'm blaming myself because I'm the one that let him out. But he couldn't have been healthier or happier last night. He was so happy and cuddling with me minutes before. He was such a unique pup. We know we can never replace him. He was so special. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and I am not handling it well at all. I spend 95% of my time at my boyfriend's and 95% of that time with Dexter. He was always with me, slept with me every single night, spent all day with me while my boyfriend was at work, he'd follow me to the bathroom. He would always make me feel better, no matter what was upsetting me. If I cried he would bark at me and try to attack my face with kisses. He hated when I cried, like he would get visibly upset, so I know what he would be doing if he were here. It feels so lonely and empty without him with me. Plus our first year anniversary is coming up (I have pretty much spent all my time at his house since we started dating. I pretty much live here all but 5 days a month when I go home). I feel like he was part of our relationship. He's in our Valentine's/6 month pictures. I wish he would have at least made it to our anniversary because he was part of us. A couple weeks ago I told my boyfriend that all I wanted to do for our 1 year anniversary is to spend time with him, no work distractions, and Dexter, and our kitties (just like our 6 month). Now he is gone. He meant so much to both of us individually, but also to our relationship. We became a little unit. He really was our best friend.

This is hitting me so hard. I've never lived anywhere or even spent a long span of time anywhere without a dog. I just can't believe he is gone. Just like that. No warning, nothing. Everything was perfect, and then he was just gone. Like I said, I am really not handling this well. I keep opening the door and just stand there crying because he's not coming back in. I just want my best friend back. Dexter brought me more happiness in just a little less than a year than most people have my entire lifetime. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and he helped me so much more than most people could understand. He was just always here for me and new exactly how to act to help me. He was just a goofy corgi full of happiness and love.

We are looking for a corgi puppy. We think we are going to get a little girl. My boyfriend got Dexter when he was at least 5 years old, and he had nearly died from a skin disease. We would like to get a puppy so we have more time with them. It isn't about replacing Dexter, we both know that we can't. I think anyone who's ever gotten a new pet after losing one understands it. Nothing will ever take Dex's spot in our hearts. We will always miss him.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to talk about it, and it is 5:30 AM here. I can't even sleep because he's not here cuddled up with me. If any of you know any advice to make this easier for me, I'm all ears. I can barely eat. I've cried so much that some of the muscles in my face are sore. I'm worried it's going to put me into a depressive episode, which will be even worse because I won't have him to help me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and smashed into the dirt. We miss our Dexter Man so much.

Our 6 month anniversary/Valentine's Day Dinner that my boyfriend made for us. I didn't want to go anywhere fancy, just spending time with him, Dexter, and our kitties.

This is my favorite picture of my boyfriend.

This is the last picture I ever took of him.

We planted flowers at his grave today. He loved being outside and sleeping under our plants.

I miss you so much, buddy. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep expecting to opine that door and here your toenails in the kitchen floor, or seeing you in your bed. Your spot next to me that you slept in every night is empty, and it's making me feel empty. I wish I knew what happened. I wish you were here with me. It seems like some sick joke. I'm sorry I won't get the play in the snow with you. You loved that so much. I'm sorry I'm crying so much. I know you hated it. I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry I let you out, even though you asked to go pee. If I could turn back time I wouldn't have. Maybe you'd still be here. I'm so sorry. We love and miss you so much, Dexter Man.❤️💔💔💔

Update: We got a puppy, still trying to decide on a name for her. I already love her. She is going to be such a good girl. I still miss Dexter like crazy. My boyfriend and I are still not handling it well. I had a flashback to when Dexter was still alive, before my boyfriend changed his porch steps. I almost fell down the steps because I saw the old ones. Like I literally saw the old ones in my head. I always get creeped out going outside at night, so I'd always walk fast back to the house with my heart starting to race, and Dexter would be waiting at the screen door for me. I swore I saw him. I know it's my PTSD because I've had flashbacks before. I just don't know if I am ever going to truly be ok no matter how much I love our girl. That's not the problem. It's missing my best friend who just can't be replaced.