I love my boyfriend to the moon and back. He treats me like I'm his treasure and is the first person to not only not lay a hand on me or force me to have intercourse, but he's also the first person in this world to ever truly, genuinely make me feel safe... I couldn't imagine life without him now and I just want to stay with him forever, if possible of course... Cliche I know, but if you knew us I have no doubt you'd understand...

But here's the problem...

I'm openly pansexual -- which, in case you're not familiar with the term, means I love without gender boundaries. I am incapable of seeing gender as a factor

when I'm falling in love for someone. This means I can love men, women, andros, trans, you name it... I just happen to lean more towards women as I prefer female genitalia.

Whenever I'm with a male, without fail they want threesomes galore... and because I'm into women they just automatically assume that I'd be okay with them sticking their penises in someone else...

NO. NO I AM NOT.

It's never hurt as bad to hear as when my current boyfriend asks me about it... Probably because I've never loved anyone like this before...

I want to make him happy in every way I can because I deeply care for his happiness, so I often humor him and discuss what it would be like, what I "would and wouldn't be comfortable with" -- which is really just what I could and could not force myself to do... and granted I fantasize about threesomes including him sometimes, but in practice I don't think I could ever go through with it without completely breaking.

So Daniel, this is to you... The things I'll never be able to voice on the matter that haunt me every single time you bring it up....:

I love you. I am ridiculously IN love with you. I've been raped repetitivly by so many different people now, and you're the first man to break the cycle. Excluding the 3 men from my childhood and teenage years, the boyfriends in my adult life have all done the same -- forcing me to have intercourse even when I cry and beg them desperately to stop... You and you alone are the only one to constantly make sure I'm okay... and when I break down into a PTSD ridden anxiety attack, you immediately withdraw and hold me, regardless of how close you are... You may underestimate the gravitude of those actions, but my love I assure you, in the dark and normally terrifying realm of my mind those actions are nothing short of monumental.

What I'm trying to say is that you're very good to me and I appreciate everything about you. You make me feel beautiful amd secure for the first time in my life... but I don't think you realize how big it is for me to be giving myself to you. Sex is nothing short of the most intimate act I can imagine, and I don't choose to give myself to people for obvious reasons. I waited two years, absolutely refusing anyone that came my way... and then you came and we kinda just fell into place.

I'm deeply sorry to disappoint you but I can NOT share that intimacy witb anyone else. Not now, not ever. You mean way too much for me to share...

Just the thought of you being interested in someone else destroys me, I can't even imagine having to WATCH you enter someone else...

When you ask, you make me feel like I'm not good enough...

But then again you'll never read this. You'll never know this and I'll continue to suffer in silence.

I crave your happiness more than anything and truly, if it came down to it, I would force myself into that situation for you and only you...

... I just don't think I'd ever be okay after....

Don't worry though, that's just another thing you'll never know...

Sincerely yours,

The one who won't ever leave