I must admit this time around has been a lot harder than the first... a year and a half ago I lost my twins very early on after a successful 2nd <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>... It took this long for me to pick myself up and try again. <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> #3 was successful got my BFP on Aug 22nd. I was thrilled!!! I must have glanced at that pregnancy test at least 500 times during the day and for some reason beyond explanation I would even sleep next to it in my bed. 😕 2 days later I began having the most horrible anxiety and panic attacks... I must have had at least 5 every hour until that evening I began spotting... this time around I had my mother rush me to the woman's hospital where I was told my hcg was only 21 and I was surely miscarrying... I remember crying so loud in the car... reminded me of when I was told my 15yr old was not going to make it when she suffered an accident when she was 2... I was crying a death! The death of my dreams! The death of a child I've loved with my life before even conceiving... I communicated with my RE who is in Monterrey Mexico. He said it was too soon to determine it would in fact end in miscarriage... spotting stoped completely after 24hrs...2 days later I had another beta and hcg moved up to 46.4 hope existed in my heart though very cautiously... for days I starred at every single human around me.. I kept thinking WOW all these humans were conceived and carried on in their mothers womb for an entire 9 months and here they are... why can't I? Why can't I carry another child like everyone else...? I searched google a million times for a reason... a reason for EVERYTHING I've been through trying to conceive... in the meantime I awaited for today to get here...panic attacks continued, no spotting but no pregnancy symptoms ☹️ I was terrified every time I went to the rr and was so afraid to look every time I wiped... no spotting what a relief. Went in this morning for hcg #3 only went up 9 points. I knew what that meant... this week I have felt a degree of mental illness. I've not been me. I am heartbroken but feel a sense of relief knowing my anxiety will not take over me tonight... it'll be sadness, I am mourning. It took me a long time to grow up and realise what is really important in life. So many years focused on my career and personal goals yet, here I am and what matters most is not here. Everything in my life I feel is in pause. I'm in the middle of house hunting only I am concerned for I do not know if I should buy a home keeping in mind I "might" have children... what if i do and wind up living a bitter life because my home will never be "complete". Can I live this life without having more children? Without birthday parties to plan nor achievements to celebrate nor a child in common with the man of my dreams... I do not know where I'm standing but I sure know they aren't steady grounds. I'm torn and my heart can't fathom the thought of not giving birth again. There's so much research ahead of me yet I DONT KNOW what I will be searching... countless labs coming up along with some studies of my uterus. What if nothing is found? Is that something to be happy about? I wasn't too happy to learn my infertility is unexplained... any mothers out there conceive after recurring miscarriages? 😔