maybe i just need to see a therapist, honestly. but id love any insights.

i definitely have intimacy issues.

Im 24, im not a lesbian but ive only been in an exclusive relationship with one person and that was a girl from the time i was 18-21yrs old. that was a very unhealthy relationship that should have ended a lot sooner than i did. ive been dating mainly just men the last 3 years and ive enjoyed the experiences. but i cannot commit, and refuse to commit when it starts to feel like an actual relationship would start to form. I start to backpeddal and try to deter the person from liking me. and yes, sometimes its for very good reasons like these people are raising red flags left and right but other times i get so turned off by their eagerness and blatant displays of affection. it makes me cringe.

I understand that standards are a good thing and so is waiting for the "right person." I feel like thats what im doing most of the time but theres also something else happening here. Im afraid ill always be like this and push people away.

Ive started seeing a guy recently. Hes also 24 which makes me nervous bc im used to dating older. For the most part he seems like a nice guy and theres nothing outwardly WRONG with him. Weve been on a few dates and theyve all went well, i know he likes me, and ive set some very strict physical boundaries so im forced to get to know him. Im much more likely to open up sexually before emotionally because there doesnt have to be emotions with the physical. Hes starting to turn me off tho....i really liked him a few days ago but since then hes just started to come across as far too eager. It makes me feel like hed accept a relationship with WHOMEVER. he wants to do very affectionate things right away like calling me those "cutesy" names, kissing around my face/forehead, all these things that most people want but i dont want this. Its too soon, it makes it weird to me. I had a thing with this guy a year ago that id been interested in for a couple years prior. He really made himself kind of unavailable to me, it made me crazy about him. I had to get to know him and spend time trying to gain his trust and affections that by the time he did something sweet like kiss my hair, i about DIED AND MELTED AND EXPLODED. It didnt work out with him, but bc of that i know that i am CAPABLE of liking these things.

Idk if i should keep seeing this guy or not. Idk if im just fucked up and should try to give somebody a chance and accept their affections or maybe i just dont like it because it really isnt right for me and i should keep it moving and eventually ill find whatever it is im looking for. Not that im really looking for anything or anyone. I just meet these people and see where it goes, im very satisfied with being single and doing my own thing and i love it. Probably part of the problem, what guy can compete with the security i provide for myself?

If anyone actually reads this novel, thank you. Im at a loss with what to do with my dates and wondering if im just some kinda asshole.

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