Finally moving on. Positive vibes.

Honestly y'all. Ive been lying to myself for a long time. I really thought my husband had changed - that he was done with his emotional and mental cheating (and likely physical but I can't directly prove it.) But I was wrong. I've spent so long forcing everyone to like him. Hiding our problems. I just wanted a whole and happy family. But. I'll be moving on soon. I have an appointment with an attorney the 18th. And I've never been more relieved in my life. Even if it comes with waves of grief and doubt. But I know I'm better than the trash he talks to. I'm better than the trash he treats me as. I'm going places. I'm going to raise our kids to a higher level than I ever could with him in the home. I hope for their sake we can work out successful co parenting but also wouldn't blink at taking them and totally starting over. I can't believe I'm finally here. I never thought I could. But I have a lot of people who love me. Because I am worth loving. I love me. I am proud of me. I have grown so much and know I can make it through. Even if some days it seems impossible.

In case you're wondering how I got here - my husband and I fell deeply in love very quickly (I still feel this way, actually). He's 10 years older and really portrayed himself as an ideal match. He had a divorce under his belt and knew a lot more than me at 23! After 6 weeks of dating I was pregnant. So I fully committed. 4 days before giving birth he was out of town for work and "hung out" at the house of the front desk girl. I only found out because I found a picture of her on his phone wearing his work hat and sweater. I was devistated. Next - he was at a party I trustingly suggested he go to to have some fun and let off some steam. At said party he licked cake off a girls face and then proceeded to text her secretly. Deleting the messages. Next while I was working late at night as a waitress he was sending his "friend" dick pics and asking her to come over. She said "yum! I can't - it's my husbands birthday." The next incident which I've apparently mentally blocked he smashed his smart phone out of anger and saying there! You happy now?? - I recall it was Facebook related. Hints were good for about a year and a half. Then he had to get a smartphone for his new job. He secretly opened his Facebook again. He had it for a month and a half. Never told me. When I found out his childish excuse was that he didn't know how and he knew I'd get mad - he just wanted the pictures off of there. Then I get stressed and start snooping. Wouldn't you know it - 3 little pieces of paper with unmarked phone numbers tucked behind the picture of our son he carries in his wallet. When I asked him about it he said he didn't know and ripped them up. Then he started ranting about he's a piece of shit and should just kill himself. So weird for him. He leaves for work and texts me it's not what I think and says he'll explain when he gets home. He gets home later than he's ever been and is chipper! He said he finally told his boss about how he's frustrated with his situation there and blah blah blah. Never once addressed the phone numbers. I ask him to move onto that after I patiently listen to his work problems. He says I know! I'm trying. I had to ask him 3 times before he finally said it. They're other girls. But friends. Except 1. And it was a girl he had mentioned to me 2 days prior who noticed a picture of me in his phone and thought I was hot. A girl he described as having pretty nice boobs and butt from what he could tell. As if I were interested in a 3 way!! Anyways, we go through the whole thing about where he got the numbers etc. mostly from the tobacco store he hangs out at for hours each weekend. Where the girl who thinks I'm hot works - who he's know for a couple of months now apparently. I was surprised (amazingly) and said I thought we were happy. He said we are. And I asked why. He said he didn't know. He needed a little spice. Literally our sex life is awesome. And he couldn't think of a single thing I was lacking in on that front. I mean I text him sexy stuff, sweet stuff, you name it - I'm stroking his ego. So he dropped that excuse. Then I got him to admit it's because he might want to have sex with another girl - but because I'd like that - having a girl in bed with us. And something about all this is exciting. And it's because it's not me. The most honesty ever uttered from his mouth. Well the next morning he wanted to cuddle and I was understandably not wanting to. But I did sit next to him. Well he kept forcing me. Eventually pulling me on him and locking his arms around me. Saying he'll always love me and that'll never change. Then he tried to convince me again that he did it for me. For the threesome idea. Some of these irks live in New York, Tennessee or over an hour away. And we have herpes!! (Which magically showed up after the first cheating incident that he insists he just hung out watching Netflix and drinking beers). Like, how could that excuse even remotely make sense. So I finally looked him dead in the eye and said - I'm going to tell you my worst habit - knowing you're looking me straight in the eye and lying to me and not saying a single fucking thing because I'm curious how far you're going to take it. The air left the room. It was like the world paused as that washed over him and he realized it was true. I've never felt more incredible in my life. And it was that moment I knew for sure I was going to leave. What a joke!!

Thanks for those who read it through. I can see happier days ahead! We all deserve honest, genuine, loving relationships. I am so empowered by you all. And a thanks to all the women who are getting married and finding those true connections. I know real and respectful love it out there for me. Even if I can't imagine ever opening up and trusting again. I know it's possible. And I know I deserve it.