I've been depressed on and off since I was about 13, but it never got out of hand until about a year ago. That's when my mild self-harm (scratching, not letting regular wounds heal) escalated to cutting. I also started purging again (I've struggled with bulimia and binge eating since 7th/8th grade). I had to quit a job and I got an apartment. I started telling close friends and my parents about it. It helped, but only so much. I still have down days, and for some reason they've been happening more often. I'm scared to talk to my doctor about it for several reasons. I have often lied about worrying about depression, partially because at the time I wasn't depressed. I was also afraid she wouldn't prescribe me birth control (my periods were so bad I was missing work and school) and I don't want to be taking anti-depressants. It's so stupid because I know people who have benefited so much from them. But I'm afraid that they'll change me, and when I'm not feeling depressed, I'm happy with who I am, well emotionally, not physically. I'm also terrified that they'll make me gain weight, and I've been trying to lose weight, unsuccessfully for almost 10 years. I know this is all irrational, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting my last year of undergrad, I have a new job that I love, but I feel like I'm losing my grip on everything good in my life. Important note: I'm not suicidal, never have been. I just want all of this to stop, and I don't know how. I just want the old me back.