One step forward a million steps backward

Just when I think I'm happy and going to be ok, someone just has to come and ruin it. I got to see Will tonight and it made me so happy to get a hug from him. As I walked away I just felt so warm and fuzzy inside. My skin was literally glowing and so warm. It felt like it did 3 years ago.

It's actually kind of silly but it still just put a damper on my mood tonight. Last night I went to my old school to see some friends. Apparently at home, my sister asked "why is she over there?" And my mom said "Because she misses her friends after being there for 4 years" and then my sister said "Probably also to get a special hug from Will." And then my brother told me she said "Oh lord" in a kind of condescending way.

I mentioned him in one of my other posts, he's the one I'm still in love with that recently came back to town after being gone for a few months. And literally all I ever really want from him is a hug. There's nothing to hide, and I don't know why they have such an attitude towards him. Well, luckily for them, I don't think we'll ever be anymore than friends. But they can't complain one bit. The whole time I've known him, he's shown me NOTHING BUT respect. And he's always been the sweetest. And when he met my family, he was really sweet and respectful to them too. I just don't understand what the issue is. I mean maybe there isn't one, and I'm just being crazy. If there really was an issue she would have talked to me about it, right?

I guess they'd rather me date that overgrown controlling bully of a youth pastor, just because it would look good for our "reputation", whatever that means. Fuck that. It wouldn't make a difference to me if I never saw him again. As much disrespect as he's had towards so many people in my church, AND ME AND MY FAMILY, I want NOTHING to do with him. Well when he's in jail or on Dr. Phil in 5 years for beating his wife, I guess people will start listening to me. I just want to be AWAY from him for good. I want to stop looking at him, I want people to stop talking to me about him, and I want people to stop putting him on a pedestal. Because he's honestly nothing more than a big narcissist.

But to think I'm being torn from something and someone I deeply love and forced into something awful and potentially harmful really kills me inside. Sure I'm not being actively forced, I know they wouldn't force me into something they knew would be harmful. But I just don't get a good feeling about this other guy. I never have. And when something bad happens, maybe they'll listen and stop putting God's opinion over my own gut feeling.

I think it's time I went to talk to the regular pastor about this. Now I know I'm not the only one he's acted shitty to. But he's likely to take his side and make me look like the bad guy.

I'm sorry if this just sounded like more of the same pointless ranting. But I just don't know what to do. In this family, it's not as easy for me just to say "Screw it, I'll do what I want." But at the same time, I can't just let them make all the decisions for me. I'm just really stuck here.