Miscarriage - 1 year later. (Trigger warning)

I had my D&C; a year ago. I didn't even get to see my wee one's heart beat. Gone before I could even say hello. My body wouldn't accept it. It just kept holding on, and I understood why. I wanted to hold on so badly. I could not walk around knowing my baby was gone. I felt like a coffin. I didn't eat for days. I didn't sleep for nights. I felt broken, scared, so uncertain.

Now, how am I doing? There are good days and bad days. I don't know which shows up more, but it feels like the bad days hang around. Swirling around me.

I ask myself the same questions a lot - Did I do it? Was I not healthy enough? Did I not get enough rest? Could I have saved my baby? I don't trust my body anymore. I want to. I feel like I shouldn't be so sad even after a year. It feels like I have lost an entire future, an entire possibly. I wonder what it would have been like. First words. First steps. First love. First heartbreak. So many firsts. Gone.

I've had health problems. I'm not allowed to try again just yet. But do I even want to try again? I am scared that my body does not know how to nurture a baby. I don't want to lose again. I keep thinking I want to be safe, not let this happen again, just don't do it. But I want to be a mum. I tried therapy, but living in a rural town there isn't a psychologist available very often. Every few weeks doesn't feel beneficial.

How are we meant to cope with this?