When you put your strong hand around my neck and squeezed, your breath drenching of alcohol and your eyes filled with hate, your hand getting tighter and tighter around my throat calling me a whore for something I didn't do... do you know what I thought of? I thought, who would care if I died tonight? I didn't think of my parents. I failed them by being with you. I would be an embarrassment. I didn't think of my friends. They never cared anyway. And no, I didn't think of you. I thought of no one. My mind went blank as I took a glimpse of the pure evil look in your eyes and couldn't bare to keep looking at them. I closed my eyes.

And then suddenly a vision of my nieces who every time they saw me ran up and screamed "aunt Alysia!" popped into my head. They hugged me so tight and the smile on their face always brought me extreme joy. They wanted to grow up to be like me. A dancer like me when I was young. They wanted to wear my perfume and for me to paint their nails. I saw a vision of them sobbing from hearing the news that their role model had passed. And if they ever found out the cause that their aunts own boyfriend strangled her to death and she didn't FIGHT?

So I looked the devil right in the eyes. You wanted to kill me but you were simply just a real life representation of the demons living in my mind telling me no one loved me, no one cared. I fought my demons and I could fight you. I tried to kick you but your hand got tighter around my neck. I tried to pull your hand off but you were too strong. I couldn't breath to get a word out, my sight was going blurring to black, and then a miracle happened. You looked in front of you and saw you were about to hit a car. You took your hand off my throat and jerked the steering wheel with both hands. I hyperventilated, forcing breath into my lungs, and you laughed at me.

After a while I tried to speak but words wouldn't come out. Finally I told you off. You said a few things I don't care enough to remember and then your fist clenched and raised, my reactions not fast enough as you took a heavy blow to my face. I was losing. I was failing my nieces. I was too weak. I tried to jump out the car even as it continued to move but you pulled me by my hair until chunks came out in your hands. I sat there and tried to think how to survive. You pulled into a gas station, took my phone, and went inside leaving me in my car. It was my chance to run. But I was frozen with self doubt and self hate. You came back with a pocket knife.

You drove until we reached your house. Finally you stopped the car. You asked me a question that only a monster would ask. "Do you still love me?" I had to chose my answer carefully, one answer could be the trigger that sets you off to try to take my life and succeed this time. The other answer could be the real disappointment to my nieces.

"No."

I hope you remember the way that felt. You took the pocket knife and pierced it into your skin, drawing line after line of blood. Tears and snot streaming down your face. You wiped some of your blood with the same hand that tried to kill me and smeared it on my lips. You told me I did this to you.

Before you went into your house, you stood on the porch and looked back at me. I looked into your eyes one last time. I didn't see the devil, or my inner demons, but a coward. I realized I had been looking into the eyes of a coward all along.

Now in the driver's seat I turned the keys and drove away. A restraining order and a court date later, you never saw me again. You will never know what you taught me that day. You made me realize I am loved. My self worth isn't determined by the man I'm with. You made me realize that the phrase "we accept the love with think we deserve" is true. Now I'm working on loving myself and I will never settle again. And I do love myself. For leaving even when I was threatened and run down to my wits end. Most importantly I love myself for making my nieces proud even though they will never know it.

************************UPDATE**************************

To the ones who are in abusive relationships, I first want you to know that you don't deserve to be treated this way. I also want you to know a difficult truth, the man who abuses you does NOT love you. But I promise it's not because anything is wrong with you. It has nothing to do with you. It's all about him. He has issues within himself. Issues that you cannot fix. Issues that you didn't cause. He is not capable of actually loving another person. Not you, not the next girl, and not the girl after that. He has his own personal issues. The fact is that he will NOT change no matter what you do. So you must leave him. It's not easy. It's not easy because you once saw something good in him. Of course you did, that's why you got with him. You once had an amazing first kiss and he made you feel special. He probably said all the right things to you. But the minute he laid a hand on you he told you who he REALLY IS. Separate the person who you thought you once knew, and like me, look at him for who he really is; a coward. He's a coward because he is so weak minded that he uses his physical strength, the only strength that he has to bring a physically weaker, defenseless person down to make himself feel better and powerful. He's a bully. He's a narcissist. He's a fucking loser. He's trash. He's the lowest of the low. And he's NOT the one for you. And he does not define you! You are strong, you are beautiful, you are loving, and you deserve nothing but happiness. There ARE good men out there who will give you true happiness. I found one three years later! But you will be happy even alone, you don't NEED a man. You do not have a hand cuff on your wrist connected to his. It may feel like you do. But you don't. You are your own person. It's hard to leave an abuser because they play mind games with you, basically brain washing you. You must look past his fake mask and not be fooled by flattery or promises (or in my case a suicide threat). Again, he has already shown you who he really is.

I advise you to leave him SAFELY. If you are living with this person, wait until you are home alone even if you have to take a day off school or work, call a family member or friend or the cops (the cops WILL help you) and have them help you pack all your belongings and find someone to let you stay with them or look into a woman's shelter. Right away look into a place you can go to to get a restraining order against your abuser. I went to the YWCA. With a restraining order, if he contacted me in any way even from the phone, I could call the cops and he would be arrested. Block him from all social media/texts/calls on your phone anyways. Show any evidence of the abuse to the police. He deserves to be behind bars. You deserve freedom. You may feel like running back to him but do NOT give in. I understand the feeling, but I had to be strong and it paid off.

If you start dating again look out for all of the red flags for an abuser:

Three major ones are:

1. Controlling behavior - Telling you what to do, how to dress, telling you you can't see your friends or family, and ignoring your opinions is NOT love.

2. Unjustified anger - If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around them, that is NOT how you should feel in a true loving relationship.

3. Extreme jealousy - His major jealousy does NOT mean he loves you. It means you are an object to him and this object may get away from his controlling grasp. He knows you deserve someone better.

4. Asking or taking your money - Fuck. No.

Do not tolerate any of it!

I want you to know you are strong!! You can do this. I did it, you can too! Leaving someone you have been with for a long time is hard but it's time to put YOU first, leaving an abuser is worth it! You don't need this man in your life. Repeat it a thousand times: you don't need him!!!