#Metoo The Gray Area


I've decided I want to talk about my #Metoo story. I don't feel comfortable talking to friends and family. But seeing people's stories has inspired me to at least get it off my chest. My story is probably a little different than most people's. Most people think sexual harassment and assault is clearly black and white. If you do it you're wrong, if you don't, you're right. But unfortunately while it is always wrong, sometimes it doesn't feel so wrong because of certain circumstances. Before I start I want to say that I am so sorry to ANYONE who has gone through sexual harassment or assault, whether you've chosen to share your story or not.

It started in 7th grade. At just 13 years old my male friends decided it was okay to walk around school and randomly slap my ass if they wanted to. And to tell me I would be more attractive if I showed more cleavage. In my mind it was okay though. Because I liked the attention and they were my friends right?

When I was 16 I got my first job, shortly after a couple of guys about my age started working there as well. They would continuously make sexual jokes toward me, whether I thought they were funny or not (I didn't). But it was okay because they're teenage boys just joking around right?

At 17 I met my ex-husband. At 18 we had already had a baby and gotten married. As many women know you're sex life tends to slow down when you're married and have a kid. There were many times I wasn't in the mood, but he was. If I put my foot down and said no enough times he would get angry or annoyed. Many times I was too tired to put up much of a fight, and after saying no multiple times I would give in and let him do what he wanted. Sometimes I consented to sex, but then was presented with the question of if I wanted to do anal, and even when I said no, he did it anyways. But it was okay because he was my husband and it meant he was still attracted to me, right? It was okay because in the end I said yes, even though there were countless no's beforehand, right? It was okay because his intent wasn't malicious, he's just being a man, right?

Just yesterday, at almost 21 years old, and 6 months pregnant. I brought my 2 year old son to Walmart to get some oil for my car. As I was turning an isle a couple of guys probably a few years younger than me shouted from behind "I like butts." I didn't turn to face them, I didn't even acknowledge them. I simply went down the isle and hoped they didn't follow, while wishing I had just sent one of the great men in my life to run this errand. I looked at my son, and prayed he never become one of those boys. Because while it was "just" a stupid remark made from teenage boys. When did it become okay for someone to shout something about butts to a woman with a small child, in the middle of Walmart?