What the hell is happening to me?..

**Update: I got married at 16 but I met her before that**I have been married for over a decade and have always been faithful. I've been loyal and believe in fixing things, even after I've been cheated on multiple times...Even if I'm very sexual and my wife is the opposite...Even if for a long time she had sex with me while she was seeing someome else... I've always told other's to leave their relationships first instead of cheating because I know that's the right thing to do. So why the fuck am I suddenly tallking to one of my friends?? It started out just me comforting him a few months ago. We didn't really talk this heavily before that but he was still depressed over a bad break up from over a year ago where they girl cheated on him and ran off randomly. He wouldn't talk to new women after that. I didn't tell him my story but I just wanted to help him because I'm older than most people in our troop of friends and am maternal in a way if someone needs help. That probably sounds weird but I hate seeing them sad. Anyway so yeah he's 23 and I'm 25. He was so down on himself I would tell him all the positives I thought about him as a woman and encouraged him to get out there and say hi to this cute girl in his college class (did I mention he's going into rocket engineering? He's very smart just terrible with women.) Well it took him a month but it turns out she was a huge bitch. He went to say hi and apparently all this chick said was "Um no." Which I did tell him multiple times to not think too highly of her until he knows her. He was upset so I tried all over again. Even my wife was helping me figure things out then but her opinion was for him to stay single. Mine was just to *talk* to women and build a sound platonic relationship that could advance to more over time if it was ment to be, which he couldn't even do. Well this slowly built up to him giving me complements, which I thought nothing of at first. Then my wife and I went out to drink one night and I was too ditzed out to be reading texts because he said something like my wife was hot and that's why he joined our troop of friends originally years ago. However I read it wrong and thought he was talking about me. I sobered up and apologized for the misunderstanding, laughed it off, and actually spent a while teasing my wife about him liking her in good fun. Anyway, he told me it was fine and that I was cute. Apparently not as hot as her but cute lol I told him he was an ass and we laughed. Everything was fine. Weeks went on with little contact because we're both busy. He eventually said the other girl I was encouraging him to talk to wasn't interested in being friends. I gave him the whole "It'll be ok" stuff. I did get annoyed one day around then because he made me blush in public and I asked him to stop. Call me a cold, but I'm too old to be the blushing maiden in front of strangers. No offense to anyone else doing it. I don't even remember what he said. Mind you that I've slowly allowed him to give me more complements I don't deserve and let him get closer to me by that point. Turns out we have a ton in common. I think I remember him telling me he doesn't understand why girls don't like him and I told him "I would if I wasn't married"..."Idk why they don't:...stuff like that to be nice. Maybe that's where I fucked up. I wasn't inviting anything I was just being a friend. I really have no idea why he's not taken though. He's tall, blonde and blue eye'd too. You'd think people would snatch that up. He's not at all my type but it's a common type for others and I know it. Well a few days ago I don't remember how it happened but he texted me and I was the one who was depressed. My grades are dropping. I'm suicidal again and as I've said get rare attention in the bedroom from my wife which means a lot to me. She works, sleeps and plays video games all day everyday. That's it. I have had to beg for sex a lot since year 3 with her honestly. She doesn't try to appeal to any of my fetishes or try to make me blush anymore and I only rarely try with her now because she's probably not horny. In her defense she's very emotional and since we worked out the cheating thing once and for all last winter she's been leaving me sweet things like love notes in the morning (she works nights and usually brings me cookies I like with a note so I wake up to it). There's still no change in our sex life and my depression has worsened over school and stress. Anyway Idr how it happened but I let him start giving me more sexual comments a week ago because, well, liked the attention I wasn't getting otherwise. I let him say things to me that made me feel like I'm 17 again. It really was like waking up a part of me from the dead because it's been so long since I've been treated this way. I didn't even know I *could* feel this way anymore. No exaggeration when I say I forgot what this much desire felt like. I told him that and he told me to tell her. He keeps going back and forth form friend to fuck me. The messages got more overtly sexual and complementary and I felt terrible so I told my wife some of it. She already knew he was flirtatious last time we were talking. I think she knows something's more up now but obviously trusts that I'll handle it. Meanwhile, I keep telling him he needs to cool it but he keep going back to giving me the attention I didn't know I was so weak for. I'm an idiot. I even let a conversation about scientific research errode into talk of human sexuality and fetishism...So yeah. We know each other's kinks now. 😑 Wtf was I thinking?! Oh wait, I'm 8 years into starving for the attention he gives me and she doesn't. Which with the cheating I'm still bitter about even if I dont want to be. Again, I keep reminding him we need to chill out and that I don't hide my phone from her. Which last night I said it again while in the kitchen and he says "Oh, well I guess I shouldn't say [insert things that appeal to me and are very R rated😶]". He was totally blatant with that comment and I cummed! I'm not kidding! I cummed right there in the fucking kitchen! I haven't done anything like that since I was a teenager. I told that lucky asshole what happened and apparently it is hilarious how sensitive I am. He wasn't mean about it, more like he thinks it's cute and funny I assume. Did I mention that dirty talk is one of my strongest kinks? My wife doesn't really even moan in bed, forget talking dirty to me. Doesn't matter how much I plead with her. The comment was unexpectedly raunchy, and yeah, my body tapped out I guess. I turned red from the heat and spasmed for minutes. Good thing I was already cooking in the heat (we have poor kitchen ventilation) or she may have noticed. It felt amazing and it's all I can think about. He lives hours away amd he's not even my type and I'm not sure I would date him if I was single. Sex sure, but date? So that makes me feel worse. This is bad for both of us! I told him four times this isn't going anywhere and he's gonna be more hurt. He just says he likes making me feel good and gave me a pet name. Then I just let him keep doing it 😳. He just makes me feel so young again (yes I know I'm not old but I'm definitely sexually dead inside or have been). I have been putting on make up again, going to the store in some thing other that PJ's and sending nudes to my wife hoping that she would change I guess. I don't send nudes people. I haven't sent one since I was 16 before this. I even tell her some of the comments that make me feel better and I like the attention, I guess in a desperate attempt to tell her I need a change in her. She's tired from work, which I get. She's self conscious, which I get. But how else are we going to get better? What do we do from here? I have to delete his texts so I don't go back and look at them! How shotty is that? Am I that weak? She isn't budging and all I can think about is guilt and desire for his words and for her to change. On a side note I couldn't leave her if I wanted to, even if it was the right thing to do, because I'm financially dependant on her for now. Plus I've been with her for nearly half my life. It's like we're attached at the hip in any other regard! What's wrong with me? How did I get to be such a bad wife that she won't have sex with me and I want to sleep with our friend?? Idk what to even do. But I'm very close to texting his ass and I shouldn't but it's like a got addicted to drugs over the week and now I'm trying to quit. It makes me wet to even read him call me by this pet name he's given me, while she sleeps on my shoulder. I feel insane and I have a mountain of homework I can't focus on...Then again. How did she do this for years with me sleeping on her shoulder? God I'm so conflicted and bitter.