Please no negativity, I’m seeking support and I’m sharing my story around to maybe not feel so alone.

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I had a medical abortion in March. It’s so incredibly hard to find the words to fit the feelings in my head right now.

I am 23, and my boyfriend is 25. We live together in California, he is studying at school and I work at home as a freelance artist. We have been together for five years and our bond only grows stronger. However, things had started getting rocky in February between us. I was easily irritable and I was unable to eat properly, and it got to a point where my boyfriend insisted I test.

I remember so clearly, I had taken the test and left it on the counter, and was getting myself ready to step into the shower. I glanced down at the test expecting to see a negative, but to my surprise in very bold letters “pregnant”. The digital does not lie. I shut off the shower and threw on my robe and immediately shouted, “it’s positive”

I cried so hard. But because I was scared. I had never been in this situation before. My boyfriend supported me, we took some time to breathe. We mutually decided almost immediately that we wanted to go with abortion. And this is what is difficult for me. We both have talked about maybe having children one day, but we want to be financially ready, in a good home and have some sort of balance in our home life, work, etc. We want a good life for our babies and we want them to be healthy, safe and loved. It would be so unfair of us to not give this to our kid. Alongside this, I was concerned as I have multiple health conditions and am unsure I would be able to do this. Everything was telling us that now was not the right time. And we both strongly felt that. But the weight of making that decision was still so heavy on my heart.

I went to Planned Parenthood and they worked very quickly with me. I had an ultrasound and I was able to see it briefly on the scan. She told me there was definitely something despite me being only 6 weeks, she was able to find it almost instantly, and that made the reality of it all sink in. But, currently I’m battling some health conditions and am underweight, along with mild heart issues. My doctor told me that this was my best option due to my state. My emotions were a mess but my decision was still clear. I had the medical abortion at home and long story short, the process was hard on my body but I made it through. A week later I went to my follow up and they confirmed it was done.

I healed quickly physically which I feel very blessed. The emotional healing has been tougher.

October 21, 2017 would have been my estimated due date. It’s been a few months and I’ve been processing it alright, but I haven’t been handling this time of year as well as I thought I could. I feel my grief returning a little bit, and I’m seeing peers of mine having babies around the same time I was supposed to have mine. It’s been hard. I’ve been thinking about my baby a lot and I miss them, and I feel like that is unfair of me because I chose what I did. Truth is, I love my baby. I never knew them, the time I knew of them was so short and just like that they were gone. And I moved on with myself. I love them so much. I know one day they’ll find their way back to me. When the time is right for us.

They say there are ways to cope with grief/loss, like writing in a journal or creating art. I’ve done all that but I feel like I have to do something more to serve as a personal memorial for my baby, as some part of me must be holding on still. I just don’t know what to do yet, but I’m hoping the right idea will come to me. If anyone has advice on something that could be done to help move on, I would love to hear it.

I feel no regret for doing this and I’m very thankful I received the care that I did during that time. I’m more thankful than I can express. The road to recovery emotionally has been somewhat difficult for me, I wanted to share my experience and thoughts just in case anybody else feels similar to the way I do. It is rough to make a decision but also wish so badly you could change everything to make it work somehow. I’m hoping I can come to terms and find some peace so I can fully move on.

Thank you for reading, much love xoxo