not how I wanted

this isn't how I thought my life would be like at 28 being single again, having nightmares bc my ex was so abusive and treated me so poorly. not being able to really sleep, this just isn't how I wanted my life to be. always jumpy at anything and looking over my shoulder, this constant anxiety of knowing he will come for me and idk if I'm ready for that. yes I'm happy I'm alive but what does that mean? to live how is it done when I'm scared to close my eyes? the good days are so few and I hold on to the hope that it'll get better with time. I'm trying so hard but this isn't what I imagined. i wish at times I could just be held but at the same time I don't want that bc I don't want to cry