It scares the absolute hell out of me

I'm about to get very, very personal.

Also, trigger warning. This post includes infant loss.

I ask that you listen to understand and not to just reply.

My so and I were discussing the future and having kids.

We both want kids. Okay, so here's the whole point. His mom, her last baby passed away at 3 days old due to a heart defect. She was born missing a heart valve and they didn't even know it, discovered cause of death in an autopsy. She didn't take any weird meds during her pregnancy, had a healthy pregnancy and thought she had a healthy baby. I don't even know how that could happen? Missing a valve and seeming healthy at birth? The way she passed and how it went down is terrible and broke the entire families hearts. It destroyed his mother mentally and she's still not the same. I do not blame her one single bit. That is my worst nightmare, it's everyone's.

I am absolutely terrified that when I get pregnant, our baby will inherit that heart defect. I found out through his great uncle, that his great grandmother also had a baby that passed away but was a still birth.

I don't even know what I would do. I think now days, it would be figured out during pregnancy probably early on because we have knowledge that it's a risk and the baby would probably have to have open heart surgery after birth. Have a valve transplant.

Oh my god. I think I know myself well, I couldn't handle that. I wouldn't have an abortion because it would break my heart to do that. (I'm prochoice, but I couldn't do it) and I would worry the second i found out about it so much that I would be a wreck until it's known. And if my baby died, it would absolutely destroy me. I don't see myself recovering from it like it genuinely scares the shit out of me to the point that I don't even ever want to get pregnant and that sounds terrible but if he flipped a switch and decided he didn't want kids I'd be okay with that. I'd rather not have one than risk having one that might die or go through misery the very moment it enters this world. I know this probably sounds awful to some of you, but these are my genuine feelings and I don't know what to say to him about it. I don't know what to do about it. I think about it every time having a baby is mentioned. Of course I know that the baby might not inherent the heart defect and could be perfectly fine.

But how could it not be on my mind?