Need encouragement. Loving an addict.

I think my boyfriend... or well, ex... is too far gone for me to save him. He’s 33. Started to hear things. Has already attacked me. And now allegations of cheating that he denies or then taunts me with (“if you keep threatening me I might as well do it”)... I will support you through EVERYTHING, but if there’s a chance other people are involved, I’m done.

I know for 1000% fact, in the most humble way... I was the only reason why he was alive. Just for him to turn around and say I “never did shit” for him. I’d bring him food. I’d take care of his dogs. His laundry. Bring him gas money. Keep him in line while leaving for work making sure he had his supplies/keys/phone/etc since he ALWAYS loses/forgets things so he can just go out the door and go to work. Followed him home while he ran out of gas 3 times one night. Brought him gas money countless times. Brought him food to work. Chased his dogs down when they escaped. I’ve been endlessly searching for options to get his teeth fixed/removed. Called 911 when he DIED in 5 minutes from a heroin overdose that I had no idea was going on in the backseat behind me until I turned around and saw him dead.

And after that.... He would shoot up broken down dilaudid pills to escape the pain from his teeth. “At least it isn’t heroin”.... I’d stay awake at all hours of the night until his breathing got normal and I felt comfortable going to sleep myself. I would pat his forehead and neck with wet washcloths. Bundle him up. Take his shoes off and reposition him to a more comfortable, “human” sleeping position... check his pulse, his temperature ... anything to make sure it was safe for ME to go to sleep.

But.... “you didn’t do shit for me because you’re worthless unemployed scum of the earth inbred North Carolina garbage”. 😒😒😒

One night in particular he did dilaudid and sat at his desk, and kept bashing his head into it before slowly coming back up, and doing it again. The 3rd time he did, I got up and held his DEAD WEIGHT body against my 5’3 self for about an HOUR, checking his color, counting his breaths, rubbing his back and arms, until he came back to go lay down somewhere better.

I’ve been repeatedly told to go to NA meetings. I’m not an addict. I’ve used, but luckily addiction is one mental illness I DONT have. But apparently these meetings will still help me get closure... or help heal me and let me hear that his hateful statements are not true.

I’m just so hurt... it figures I’d meet the love of my life, and he would have all of these problems and probably won’t be alive to see his 35th birthday.

I just wanna hear encouragement whether you’ve been in my position, or his. Was there anything else I could have done??? Are the things I did for him really not important??? Cause he will say “you never did shit for me”/“any person would do all these things, you aren’t special”.

TWO of my friends have died because they were shooting up around people who were users and too paranoid to get help... so no, not everyone would have called 911. Not everyone would exhaust every resource within a 50 mile radius to get free Narcan and Naloxone.

I just feel so broken right now. My soul is seriously hurting.