fluctuating weight problem

When I graduated highschool I was 205lbs.

that's me in the white 😭🙄

I had a lot of family issues and stress so I think that has a lot to do with my weight. In the fall of 2016 I began focusing on myself a lot more. I brought my weight down to 155. I dont have a regular sleep schedule like most people so I'm up late at night for no reason. I had started smoking weed pretty frequently. But I'm not the stereotypical eat cause you're stoned type of gal. I would smoke a bowl or a blunt in my car on the way to the gym. By the time I got to the gym I was feeling good. I would check in and do my workouts. I did this daily, late at night after I was done with work and done with everything else for the day. I would run 2 miles, doing 35 squats between each half mile. Then I would go do an ab circuit. I would do what I could each time and building and adding more each time I went.

that's when I first started out.

Now as 2016 came to a close, a lot of others had as well. My boyfriend of 6 years had left me for being too sad. (I had 6 close deaths happen all within the span of 3 months). So he left me... so I just started going to the gym even more and smoking even more as well. I still maintained a good job and everything else. So I was fine. As the months went by, I met an absolute amazing man. Who I love and adore. I had bought tickets for my favorite artist a year in advance, so when the concert date came, my cousin had flaked out on me so my wonderful boyfriend went with me even though he had no idea who Blackbear was. By this time, the concert was in June, I was consistently at

150-155

Dezmin moved to Texas for work in July. I eventually went down in August to stay with him. But as the months went by down there, I found myself slacking in getting into the gym. Dezmin is against pot so I quit smoking. And since I have I have found it hard to motivate myself to go. It's now December... I weigh 170 again. I'm very unhappy with myself and how I look. Dezmin knows how I actually motivate myself more when I smoke and everything yet he still doesn't understand because he was raised against it. I've explained to him that I'm not abusing it and it's not all recreational.

This is me now. And like I said.. I'm really not happy with the way I am now. I wear baggy sweatshirts on a daily to hide my body because I am so uncomfortable with how I look. If anybody has any tips or anything please let me know. Im ready to be comfortable and loving my body again.