Affair gone...right?


My husband and I got married 5 years ago at age 20, and started dating at 16. We moved in together at 18 and we smoked weed every day for the entirety of our relationship. I stopped over a year ago (mostly for work reasons), he continued, and I began to feel differently about him. I still loved him, but I just felt disconnected. I let him know, and expressed that I was beginning to feel unhappy. Some days were okay, others not very good. I asked for him to express to me that he loved me, why, and what I add to his life. I only ever got "I love you because you're my wife" or "I just do". I started to worry he was confusing love and comfort, but he kept telling me he wasn't. We continued, me feeling more and more out at sea on my own and like I was seeking help, answers, and a connection from a brick wall.

I confided in my best friend who I'd known since we were 10. We had feelings for each other but never acted on them and chose not to speak of them. Until one day. I ended up having an affair and it continued off and on. Off when I started to feel guilty and when my husband and I tried marriage counseling (him reluctanly).

My best friend always told me he wanted me to be happy, whether that was with him or my husband, so if I needed time to sort through my feelings, that's what he would give me, but he believed in his heart, we were meant to be together.

Fast forward almost a year later, my husband and I have been seperated for quite some time now (not divorced), and I'm still with the best friend who not only tells me how much and why he loves me, but also shows me.

After doctor's appointments and solo therapy, I found out I have anxiety and clinical depression, and that the marijuana was "taking care of it" for me.

I'm now on medications for this and feeling much better emotionally and mentally.

My best friend is truely an amazing partner. He shares joy with me on good days, and takes care of me on bad ones when they happen. I really love him, but I sometimes find myself thinking about and missing my husband.

I wonder if now that my depression and anxiety is diagnosed and pretty well controlled if we could be happy again.

I feel guilty that my mental "problems" played a role in the ending of our relationship. I know it wasn't all just me, and my husband agrees it wasn't and that he had a role in the ending of it too, but I can't help that my heart hurts when I think about him.