In March it will be three years. Three years we have been trying to conceive. I have had tests done, ultrasounds, and exams. As a couple we have been through so much in the past three years and this just adds to it. I stress because it's not happening. And he stresses because I'm stressed. My family has been known as baby making machines! For crying out loud all of my sisters have had at least one of their children while on birth control! Everything that the doctor has told me has been positive. No tilted cervix, both ovaries are there; the only thing is I have a mild case of PCOS. But every time she does an ultrasound I have no cysts! I ovulate! So what's the deal?!

Whenever I mention my frustrations to my husband he says the same old generic crap everyone does and I just feel like he doesn't take this as serious as I do. But then again he may not share his thoughts about it with me because it's more than likely his sperm that is the reason we aren't getting pregnant. He has a low sperm count and slow swimmers. So that's just freaking great. And he doesn't seem to be interested in ways to boost his count or mobility either. I just don't even know if he wants a kid anymore. He says he does but actions speak louder than words do. I'm just so damn frustrated with everything going on. I'm so numb to BFNs now. I just expect them. And when people tell me "Oh you're still young it will happen!" BITCH WE HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR THREE YEARS. YOUNG OR NOT THATS A LONG ASS TIME! YOU WONT BE TELLING ME THAT THREE YEARS FROM NOW! THEN YOU WILL BE TELLING ME WE HAD BETTER HURRY UP! SO STFU! Or my favorite one yet. " It will happen when you least expect it. You just have to relax!" YOU TRY RELAXING WHEN YOU THINK YOU CANT DO THE ONE THING A WOMAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO! YOU HAVE CHILDREN! YOU HAVE BABIES TO HOLD WHENEVER YOU WANT. DONT TELL ME TO RELAX IF YOU HAVE NEVER GONE THROUGH THIS SHIT!

I think the shittiest part about all of this is, I come from a pretty big family. I am the youngest of five girls. All of my sisters, my mother and my grandmother all were able to get pregnant by or before the age 20. All of them completely by accident. And then with every single one of them. Their second child was conceived while on birth control. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

I took a pregnancy test this morning. I have been feeling off and I thought for sure I was pregnant! I thought it would be like a Christmas Miracle! And I had started looking at ways to announce it on Christmas Day. I got my hopes up. I always do this. Why do I do this to myself? And what is wrong with me? Why can't I get my positive? Why does it feel like it is never going to happen? Three years is a long time. Three years and countless negatives. Three years and one new nephew and one new niece. Three years and countless announcements on Facebook from friends. When will it be our turn?