Happy holidays

5 months ago I had the worst two weeks of my life. I was preparing for a baby shower for my younger brother in law, and his girlfriend of 4 months. So it’s the end of August and these babies are due in January. Meanwhile, I’m bleeding. Heavy, painful clots. My husband and I had been ttc for a little over six months after 6 months of planning, tracking and regulating my cycle.

These heavy painful clots continued on the day of their baby shower. My brother in law made jokes of his mother doing his new babies laundry, that the baby momma was going to change all the diapers and that he was still going to have time to snowmobile and go four wheeling. Thankgod it was a baby shower with both men and women, I would have lost it had it not been for the knowing glances of pain and quick squeeze of my hand from my husband.

We had been planning this baby since 4 years ago. I got the iud, because we had a game plan. We got married, bought a house and got great jobs with fantastic benefits. Then the iud came out, we started tracking using FAM and started trying.

I got two positives in that six month span. But 13,14,15 dpo would roll around and those positives weren’t any darker. We’d stop testing and wouldn’t you know it AF showed up.

My jealousy and rage at their one night of “opps” and how funny it was to them was harmful to me. I distanced myself from everyone and while still trying to be happy for them.

We got our BFP at the end of September. We quietly celebrated between us as I had spotting, cramping and more that sent us to get emergency US a few times.

Through the pregnancy my brother in law would blow money, next thing I know they are living with my mother in law. Next thing, she tells me she’s broke from paying for everything.

We wanted to shout it from the rooftops, and guess what-when we did, our announcement took a back seat to the surprise arrival of my nieces. My resentment is still strong. This isn’t the end of my story, but as I sit here 4months pregnant and hugging the porcelain throne...

What I’m here to say, as this Holiday season is upon us is, I’m sorry to the women still struggling. Although our battle was much shorter than some, I still felt the same pain. It’s a strong and overwhelming pain.

It might not be conventional, it might not be what you always dreamed of-but you are blessed. You are blessed with desire to love someone more than you ever thought possible. I truly hope you get that opportunity.

And drink a little extra on those tough days this holiday season, I am missing out on the eggnog!