Anyone else?

I’ve done my best to not get too excited for holidays or special occasions. While my bf is outstanding with giving gifts, he only is on random and spontaneous days. If it’s a time like my birthday or today (Christmas), I cringe knowing what’s probably coming (or not), and am usually, unfortunately let down. Why he is this way; he blames pressure of expectations and prefers anytime over a holiday/special occasion. It’s never been about buying me something outrageously expensive or a crazy amount of things, it’s the not understanding why he hasn’t given me the one thing he’s known that I truly want.

I just gave birth to our second boy two weeks ago, and just a few weeks prior to that we bought and moved into our first home. A LOT of big, momentous events happened in a short span, but we knew it was coming and were prepared to take it on as it’s been a process for many months now. We’ve been together over five years, and while it would have been generic/predictable, I had still hoped for finally getting a long awaited proposal. Instead, I got a huge vintage light up bar sign of our favorite local beer brand (we’re avid collectors). A great find, yes, but it’s hard to not have that small voice inside saying, “nothing says I love you, the mother of our boys and love of my life”, like a bar sign 😑. Even on my birthday back in October, he gave me a ring box and internally I told myself don’t get excited until you open it because it may be earrings. Yes, It was a gorgeous vintage ring with my birthstone, but not at all an engagement ring.

At 33 years old, I hate feeling this stupid and bummed with certain days/times of the year. I hate not getting to enjoy times where gifts are to be given or exchanged. I’m aware seeing engagements happen a lot around me during these times doesn’t help matters. I do my best to put on a good face regardless and remind myself that times like these are about the children and special things will happen for me when they’re meant to. Maybe I’m stupid to vent about this at all, but I have to do it somewhere. Any advice or words of encouragement? And Yes, he’s aware that I’ve always wanted marriage, it’s never been a secret.

will it hurt

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