Yesterday was Christmas Day, and after a whole Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> of saying “I love you” and knowing that “this is It for us”, I got upset and embarrassed at something my boyfriend did while we were hanging our with his siblings which lead to a discussion. He was completely understanding, learned from it and said he was sorry - and then I launched into Hedging My Bets Mode.

I apologized for starting the discussion, saying I hate that I’m the only one who “has complaints” and that I hate “dragging things down” with discussion. He assured me that it would be less fun for him if I didn’t feel I could communicate, and I told him that now that we’re so serious about each other, I’m scared of messing things up even more.

He was empathetic, and assured me that he just doesn’t like seeing me that way, and that he’s not annoyed that I’m talking to him about something and that he - admittedly - still gets defensive when he may have done something wrong that hurt me. I just... I get in my head SO. MUCH.

We were fine after that... but what if he’s just putting up with me to be nice? My mind can’t comprehend that he “loves me enough to put up with me”. I’ve stewed so long in self-hate that I KNOW is annoying that I just fear losing him at every angle. It’s my first relationship, and after four months I’m comfortable enough to lose myself in our interactions and be completely confident - but then I’ll delve back into my head the moment I “fuck up”.

I guess I just like... need help. He’s so genuine and honest and I hate that my internal thoughts are so strong and my self-hate is so huge that I could ever doubt him. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you get past it?