I know it sounds ridiculous, but im constantly comparing myself to wealthy young celebrities/people and idols-- or rich young women who marry into even more wealth. (Which is totally normal for young white woman here). Im barely a fan of these folks. It's just that, every aspect of them makes me hate who I was born as. I think to myself "Her man is rich as he needs to be. Shes talented and famous and the money and..." you get the point. Ever day I struggle to continue my weight loss journey, increasingly more and more unmotivated and discouraged by hideous excess skin and the untold truths of drastic natural weightloss and changes to my body. I feel so ugly, and I thought i'd find my beauty underneath all that fat but I haven't and im disappointed. Im trying to transfer into a private university but I feel like an imposter and even then I'm afraid I wont be able to afford staying enrolled if I get in. My family is dysfunctional as hell, I wish I could be from a well polished family. I feel pressured in my area of study. Its what I love, but I've let other people into my head and Im afraid I wont make any money in my field (WHICH IS ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS RO ANYONE HERE!) Its getting harder to maintain my integrity in a city that has none. I didn't used to care about money or the shiny glamorous life, but moving to Los Angeles has turned me upside down in all of my own convictions and I've lost myself to this new unfamiliar status seeking, beauty obsessed, money hungry shallow fucking bitch I've become and I hate it. Its been two years and I am just now realizing how negatively I've let this city affect me. I spend so much time alone in crowds of people. Most days I cant deal with all the artificial interactions with people I wish I could lay down and die. I want to kill myself for the first time ever. I could walk into the streets of west LA and be taken out by some careless luxury car in an instant. Im an imposter in a city like this, but I have to stay to finish school. Please don't tear down women who I compare myself to in order to give advice, im just looking for some words to help me love me for ME without damaging or short seeing the worth of someone else. I want to think im talented and lovely and full of potential, but in a city full of people better than me, born richer than me, prettier than me, I feel like the mud beneath their feet. Today I feel worst of all...