Tough lessons learnt as a mum

I’ve only been a mum for 12 weeks, 12 weeks of new and very surprising adventures both very good and bad. From the birth being so far from what I had mentally prepared myself for, breastfeeding being unnatural and impossible for us, to a complete change in who I am as a person and what I want from life. With each day has come a new lesson to learn, new way to settle Ellie May and the following day neither apply anymore anyway. You will learn a lot in a short space of time and continue learning about your children for the rest of their lives.

The Birth – it’s painful. It’s messy. It’s scary and it’s incredible all at once but you can’t prepare for a single second of it. Everyone tells you that you will ‘just know’ when you’re in labour. You will know you’re having contractions and they will feel like period pain but much worse. I woke up at 8am preparing to travel to town with stomach cramps, I thought I’d eaten something rotten the night before and we started on our 2 hour journey. You may not know, you may think it’s too obvious or not obvious enough. Your water might not break and may need it to be broken, you may say you will go drug free then yell for an epidural, your epidural may not work at all, you might hate your Midwives or obsess over how lovely they were, you might worry about being unwell the whole time or spew with each contraction and not bat an eye lid – it is important to remember that EVERY birth is different and no one person can tell you how it will unfold. I laboured for 10 hours at home silently, had a bath which I was told would relieve all pain only to be stuck in there, went in thinking I’d be drug free then asked for an epidural, thought the epidural would work only to have one numb spot on my calf.... right where I needed to be numb you know! I was worried that my husband would be within eye and ear shot of the main event and that I’d do something I’d be embarrassed about in the future but in all reality, the moment you go into labour you are no longer your fragile human, slightly weak in the face of fear self. Instead you become a very raw, animalistic, vulnerable, powerful and strong woman. You push through the pain even when you have no energy to push. You breathe as heavily and deeply as you can even though you feel starved of oxygen. You might push for 1.5 hours like I did in silence or push for 15 minutes whilst making deep animalistic groans but whatever gets you through is perfect for you.

Your relationship will never be the same – You go from 2 to 3 or more and instantly things are different. You will see your partner in a completely different light. Some days you will look at them sleeping next to you while you breastfeed a squirming poo machine and have to talk yourself out of pushing them from the bed or screaming to wake them. Other days you will watch them kissing the babies nose to all their toes and wonder how you could love them any more than you already do. You WILL disagree and disagree a lot but once you have witnessed them loving a child you created disagreements become insignificant. Date nights will be few and far between but a 4 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep will be better. Romantic dinners will be rare but finishing your food no matter how fast before you baby wakes, will be more satisfying than ever. Where impromptu gifts or flowers once seemed special, having the washing done for you or the vacuuming done will be far sweeter and romantic to your tired eyes.

breastfeeding can be terrible – ‘It’s beautiful, it’s magical, it’s so natural, you will love it’. All I heard for weeks and months leading up to Ellie Mays birth was these words. From the moment she was born I expected no less than perfection with breastfeeding, 5am she latched on and fed.... by 6am my nipples were already sore. We spent weeks, 6 weeks to be exact visiting with lactation nurses and midwives. Ellie May would feed ok with people watching then all would go to pot the minute we were alone. breastfeeding was not magical for us, it was torturous, painful, tear filled, aggravating and most of all it was causing a deep seeded doubt and depression of my ability to be a worthy mother. breastfeeding is NOT everything, if you can breastfeed then all power to you but I urge all mums to remember that your beautiful baby WILL NOT suffer if you hate breastfeeding but you will if you hate it but do it because society says you must. Formula has evolved, mothers have evolved and your baby will be as beautiful as ever on fresh or powdered milk. Enjoy your baby, enjoy your feeds from either breast or bottle and enjoy being a mother HOW EVER YOU CAN.

Your partner/husband/wife/family/friends will all have differing views – You think you have all your parenting ideas sorted, you assume you will agree on everything and you assume it will be easy. In reality you will argue about sleeping routines, dummy or no dummy? Hand sucking or no hand sucking? Is the baby gassy? Sleepy? Hungry? Just being a butthole? How to feed them, when they are full, how to dress them, how to entertain them, when to engage with them and when to ignore their smiles from behind the bottle just to name a few. You will need to learn to nod and agree blindly as well as disagree and voice your opinion strongly. Be prepared to upset the apple cart but also know YOU know your baby better than anyone else. If it’s your partner your arguing with remember you are in this together, both of you have to be happy with the decisions you make or you will undermine each other and in all honestly parenting can be one of the hardest battles/wars of your life, you really need an ally to call on to help you win the fight.

You WILL co-sleep even though you are told not to – Ellie May feeds at 6am, by 7:30 we are nose to nose holding hands and snoring. Co-sleeping safely is beautiful, although there can be risks involved done safely it is worth every second. If it’s not the extra 2 hours sleep you enjoy, it will be feeling tiny breaths being expelled against your cheek.

Entertaining will change– Since Ellie May was born we have had several gatherings at our home, most of which I have spent tethered to a screaming baby either alone in the lounge room or locked away in our bedroom. Most of our issues were breastfeeding, she wouldn’t feed well and I wouldn’t feed in public as a result. Halfway through a feed she would start to scream and from that moment onwards the feed deteriorated as did my ability to remain composed and tear free. In hindsight the most important lesson I have learnt is that your baby and your own comfort is most important. Don’t feed inside locked away for fear of upsetting someone by breastfeeding. Don’t stress if your baby doesn’t feed well, either the people you are with have had babies and understand or one day they will and it’s important they learn. It’s ok to say you need help and to swap settling duties with someone else if you need a break, your baby will cope. Most importantly it’s ok to just say no to visitors, having a newborn is the most special and demanding aspect of your life and having time alone to enjoy them is irreplaceable.

You will get told how much you will change – Before Ellie May was born I thought I had myself figured out. I loved heavy metal music, hardcore and rock ’n’ roll. I would spend ages styling in victory rolls and ironing full circle skirts. I loved being up early but needed 8 hours sleep. I had OCD as a child and hated germs. Spew, Poo and wee would all make me sick and needles had me out cold. Now I listen to the same music but adjust the volume, I wear my hair in victory rolls but don’t worry as much about a stray hair, I still hate germs but poo is unavoidable. You will be lost in a sea of dummies, nappies, bibs and milk from the moment you become a parent but you will and always should find time to indulge in the past times that would make you happy before you were mum. Your ideas and values may change but you will still be you. Don’t be scared of losing your identity, your true self will still be visible behind motherhood waves if not slightly more exciting and intriguing now.

The most important lesson to learn is, your baby is not a robot – Some days you will have a schedule working perfectly, the next day it will all go out the window. Be flexible. Be patient. Be a parent but don’t be a walking encyclopaedia of baby books. Enjoy them and don’t expect them to be perfect, the less expectations you have, the more perfect they are. Parenthood is one heck of journey and we can’t go it alone, take the advice you need and leave the rest. PLEASE FOLLOW MY BLOG https://missbellamess.wixsite.com/spiltmilk/blog/some-tough-lessons-learnt

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