I don’t even know how to word this. I love you but you’re so confusing, manipulative, distant, clingy, free, reserved, stubborn, inconsiderate, caring, throw-favors in my face.
You’re my mother. I’m your daughter.
Growing up I saw you tell at dad- you’d wake us all up in the AM with your sobbing and yelling threatening to divorce him. I remember my brother and I were younger than 6- we begged you not to leave. This happened more than once.
Throughout elementary-high school we saw more. You’d up and leave sometimes- after an argument with dad (that- honestly- you provoked) you would jump into your truck and drive away for hours. You’d come back and wouldn’t speak to anyone. Or sometimes you’d sleep in the car. Or you wouldn’t come home until morning.
You told me too much. You wanted me to be a girlfriend but, mom, I was only a child- a teenager.. and now a young adult. You told me details about your sex life I didn’t need to hear. You made serious accusations about dad being forceful in bed... to me, in private. You bashed his name and his honor and he never knew how badly you would talk of him.
You did so much.... it’s all stored away in my mind. It randomly comes out and I don’t know how or when.
You weren’t terrible. You were there when you wanted to be. To the outside world you were the “cool” mom. Classmates would say “your moms so cool...” because you’d put up this front with them and treat them well. But they didn’t know how it was at home. Again- it wasn’t terrible. We weren’t poor. Just living from dads paycheck to paycheck each month. He’d beg you not to spend so much money but you didn’t listen. Hed go to work for 10 hours 6 days a week.
I have so much more to say. But I’ll never tell you, but maybe I’ll write to “you” again.
I love you as my mother because you brought me into this world- and you’re human and we all make mistakes. It’s just frustrating because mom- you know what you’re doing. You go out of your way to manipulate people and you know how to get them when yheyrevulnerable. I don’t know what it does for you- what it fulfills but please stop.
I love you too much to ever say these words to you. You don’t give unconditional love. You won’t even tell me you love me back sometimes if your mad. You’ve told others you could care less if we lost contact but I could see you everyday at home and it feels so hostile in the house I grew up in.
I don’t hate you- never could. I do love you but please mom please be true. Please.
I just want a normal family. This broken family breaks me more and more as the years go by.
I appreciate all you’ve done for me. But I can’t help the feelings I have within me for mental shit I hold deep inside.
I’m sorry for getting stronger after my mental breakdown... I almost lost myself completely. But I came back from it somehow and reevauluated my nature. I started acting less timid and with more standing up for myself. And you’ve grown to dislike me for that. I walk around eggshells with you because you’ve claimed other family members made you suicidal- you described it to me and told me it would have been their fault. And I would never say any of my deep thoughts to you because I would never be able to live with myself with your death being my fault.