I don't want to write this, because it will make it more real. It isn't something I can talk to friends and family about though and I feel so isolated and paralyzed right now.

I've known my husband since we were teens - both 26yrs old now. We've been together since 2012 and I'd never been happier in a relationship; right from the start everything just felt right. We have great communication and are kind, romantic, and able to have so much fun together.

Which is why, right after our wedding in 2015, I was blindsided to find that he'd been taking pictures of me during sex. There they were, hidden next to the regular porn on the laptop. Him having porn doesn't bother me, I watch it too; but seeing those pornographic pictures of myself was sickening. While I'd had my eyes closed in the heat of the moment, he'd been snapping pictures on his phone. We had a talk about letting him take pictures before, and I'd said no - I send him pictures of myself a lot, but I like to control the outcome. He'd agreed that that was fine and made no big deal about it, and then done this behind my back.

I was devastated and hurt. If it had been anyone else, and if we literally hadn't just come home from our honeymoon I'd have left. I don't put up with that kind of shit. Instead of leaving, we talked. I cried, he cried, we had long talks about consent, and trust, and we worked through it. He deleted everything, and told me he'd also taken audio recordings and had deleted those too. It took a while, but I forgave him and regained my trust and happiness.

Yesterday a stumbled across his porn on the shared laptop again, and there they were- full on videos of us in the bedroom. I literally screamed and sobbed in shock. This man is my best friend. I've never been more in love, or been loved and cherished so much; and he'd placed spy cameras in the bedroom and here I am, the star of my very own pornography tapes. There were over twenty.

I went from screaming and crying to cold and numb extremely quickly. I clicked through everything, and here's the insult to the injury- there were at least another twenty downloads of beastiality porn. I'm talking full on women being fucked by dogs that I'll never be able to unsee.

He got home from work and I confronted him immediately, though I couldn't even look at his face. He has promised to do anything it takes to fix this, agreed to therapy and marriage counseling. He handed over the camera- looks identical to a USB charger only with a tiny camera. Says the beastiality stuff was morbid curiosity, but I'm not a fucking idiot- morbid curiosity is a google search, maybe clicking a link, but twenty downloads? That's a fucking problem.

I don't know if I can come back from this time. We have an eleven month old baby together. I don't know if I can stay with him, but I feel too paralyzed to leave. I was so happy and now I can't stop crying. I feel nauseous.

He's sleeping in the spare room and I can't stand to look at him or let him touch me. I know the advice I'd give anyone else- leave. I just don't know if I can.