Well I never wanted to post anything to this community but I have to because I have nowhere to go to and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know and upset them and bore them.

I feel like all my life I’ve been the most unimportant person ever. Everytime I’m in a group of friends I feel invisible, I feel like whatever I say barely anyone hears me, they interrupt me or ignore me. And somehow, all my friends hug each other and mess with each other all the time and I always just stand there. I don’t know whether it’s my energy or something, but it happens to me always. I was a part of a world choir project this summer and I feel like everyone hated me there, when I was on my way back home waiting 6 hours for my train I was to meet people that are still in town to have dinner with them, but they all stood me up saying that it’s not practical for them to come to that side of town, while people who were on that side, ignored me and went to meet people on the other side.

I feel like I have no idea how to keep contact with people and that I’m just utterly boring or annoying.

Also about my relationships. My ex cheated on me and he treated me pretty badly and it left such an awful scar on me. My current boyfriend, I’ve been in love with him for almost 3 years but we’ve been together for 7 months, his ex cheated on him too and he had hard time getting over that and I think he still does. I always compare to myself with girls he’s been with because I know I’m not beautiful or hot and I know he will never think of me that way, nor does he reassure me and I am afraid that as soon as a much more beautiful girl with the same things he likes comes to his life that he is going to leave me. When I talk to him about thag I kind of expect for him to reassure me I guess but instead he just says for himself that he is a bad boyfriend. I feel like, if he feels like reassuring me and if he doesn’t want me to feel that way, he would maybe just reassure me that I am the girl he wants to be with and that I am the most beautiful for him and... it bothers me when he comments for some girls how they’re beautiful and hot because I am nothing compared to them.

I am just so angry at myself for even existing and I just wish I could disappear forever because dealing with this anxiety ever since I was 14 (I’m turning 22 in 3 days) is so exhausting and I want it to stop. I work so hard to keep myself positive but I just can’t do it anymore. I wish I could just be someone else because I hate being me so much. None of my friends or family know that, I am really succesful in school, university, choir, projects I do, but it does nothing to me because I constantly feel like I’m not enough for anything, anyone, and especially for myself. I fear that I will never feel fulfilled and truly happy. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I am and I wish to just... don’t exist anymore or maybe just run away to some far away island where no one knows me haha.