Warning * Recent Sexual Assault

On my 18th birthday, I had a huge party at a restaurant my dad and his girlfriend own. The night started off well but at some point something went ... weird. I think I got drugged. Really quickly everything was spinning and I felt really tired.

I completely blacked out, and last thing I remember is getting put to bed. And then like glimpses and snapshots, of really small moments. I remember laying on my back and this guy (well call him H) was on top of me. We were having “sex”. Next thing I remember is using the wall as a guide, trying to walk and get away from it.

*I never liked him at any point in my life. He’s a terrible person and I seriously have always hated him.

Anyways,

The next morning I woke up and I was in pain, and i felt so dirty and ashamed. There was not one part of me that wanted that to happen. But I blacked out, and I felt like it was my fault. It’s my responsibility not get messed up at a party but i don’t know what happened or how anything happened.

So H was super friendly the next day and I remember I couldn’t even look at him. He was supposed to be with one of my friends, we’ll call her J. So later, H called me when I was at home by myself and i said I didn’t want to see or speak to him again, and i told him no one could know. I didn’t want J to know that this guy H had taken advantage of me, I was confused on what to do, how to handle all of this.

Flash forward, it’s a few days before Christmas I’m at home having drinks with close family friends and family. H is good friends with my brother. So he showed up, uninvited. To my house. Of course no one knew what happened so he was welcomed in. I start getting upset, So i hid in my room.

I decide to go to my friends house, he follows me there. He’s being obnoxious and everyone told me to make him leave. So I went to a different friends house, he followed me and during the walk there, he tries to touch me and says he’s into me. He kept trying to convince me that it was okay, and i told him that it was disgusting and that I don’t remember any of it and i really wished it hadn’t happened. I told him it felt like rape, he tries to convince me it’s okay because he likes me. and I get upset. I yell at him and tell him I never wanted that to happen. He doesn’t care.

So I told my brother. And J (my friend who had a hung with H).

My brother just left, he told H that he wanted to rip his head off and just left.

J reassured me it was okay and told H to leave.

At this point I was hiding in the bathroom.

As H was getting ushered out of the house by J and several others, he catches up to my brother down the street and asks him to hit him. He asked my brother to beat him up. My brother told him to go home, and then H starts beating himself up. LITERALLY. He starts punching himself in the head in front of several people, he almost knocked himself out. J and he people who witnessed it were crying and upset because he looked so deranged, and it was unlike anything they’ve ever seen. After H leaves my mom comes and picks me up.

After everything is out in the open, my family was angry because I had abused alcohol and “allowed myself” to get raped.

They forgave me after a bit of yelling at me first.

My brother is no longer friends with H and he has tried calling me several times since then. And I have done everything in my power to block him out of my life.

J and I have talked once, she called me careless, said that alcohol isn’t an excuse to be a whore.

But I feel like I have been raped. It was extremely painful both physically and emotionally afterwards. I feel ashamed of myself, I wish I could change what happened but that’s the thing- I don’t know what happened. I don’t even know if I want to know.

But dealing with backlash from this is almost just as bad as what happened.

I’ve been called easy, an addict, a blackout, a slut.

I’m looking for opinions, and support.