Had a complete meltdown today

I have been with my husband for 3 and a half years (he is FTM transgender) I consider myself pansexual/ possibly Demi (hate labels but anyhow)

I fought cervical cancer for 2 years and ovarian cancer for a year. I am clear now. I had chemo and radiation, lost my hair, was declared terminal... and still got through.

I was in a 13 year relationship with a cisgender man and we tried everything to get pregnant. It never happened. Despite every damn thing you can try except IVF. That’s crazy expensive here in South Africa. I am glad that we didn’t end up falling pregnant because we divorced.

When I met Max, he was everything I ever wanted in a man. I love him despite him not having male parts. He is male to me in every way. The longing for a baby has been lingering for about a year now.

I know it will never happen. All those chemicals and toxins in my body have damaged my bits and pieces. Adoption is not an option either because here, you’re essentially buying a child. That’s how expensive it is.

I turn 31 next week and I completely broke down tonight.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I am going to cope with this for the rest of my life? I have nieces and nephews but spending time with them is both wonderful and breaks my heart at the same time.

The longing is horrific... I haven’t cried this ugly in a long time.

Anyone in the same boat?

Baby dust to everyone else!

Love

Candice