I’m sorry mother, but if your teenager is defending themselves and a three year old against you when you’re drunk, don’t punch them in the face just for standing up. But thank you mother for continuously trying to get children’s aid to take me away.

And thank you father for watching this happen and then pretending it didn’t happen. Thanks for being verbally abusive. Thank you for continuously threatening to hit me and knock me out. It makes me feel so safe in your house.

Also thanks brother, for moving out too soon and leaving me with them and no support system. Thanks for pretending it’s not happening now that you’re moved away. Thank you for allowing me to not only take my share, but yours as well.

Thank you best friend for sympathizing with my parents. Maybe you’re right, they’re just stressed. Yeah I should just go home and talk it through with them, talking definitely does not turn into more yelling.

Most of all thank you to my parents for being like this for the majority of my life but then having a few good moments, thank you for those moments confusing my brain to whether or not you’re good parents. Thank you for supporting me and putting a roof over my head and food, most nights in my stomach. I look happy. Thank you for those moments that make me feel so guilty for hating you both so much because I do love you.

Thank you to my friends who get mad at me for not seeming fun anymore, I’m sorry I told you what was happening. I’m sorry I have trust issues now, I’m sorry my depression sticks around but I just can’t talk about it because no matter how much I love to talk, that’s the one thing that shuts me up. I’m sorry that I can’t take away the one thing I have a choice in keeping, maybe that makes me weak. I’m sorry I feel the need to rant to strangers who can’t see my face, I’m sorry that I don’t cry in your arms as you do mine, I’m sorry I don’t have a date to double yours with, I’m sorry I can’t handle my own emotions so I just don’t show them.

So thank you everyone for what you’ve provided for me, and I’m sorry I don’t appreciate it more and feel the need to rant about my troubles anonymously. I know I could do more, clean more, go to school more, work more, smile more, eat more. I’m sorry for how selfish and weak I sound, I’m sorry for wasting your time. But thank you for allowing me to love myself, even when I hate myself. Thank you for pounding into my head that I am worth something, that I am beautiful, that I’ll be okay. Because thanks to you I know this, I’m just sorry you don’t.