A little back story..

I have been with my SO for a little over a year. I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship. I’ve been feeling unwanted by my SO lately. So I typed up this message to tell him because I’m not good with words trying to talk in person.

I know you’ve been asking me what my problem is. I don’t know where to begin so I’m just going to type. My emotions are all over the place. I’m worried about court, I’m worried about the results from my mammogram. I have so much on my mind that I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I love you with everything I have. But lately, I feel like you don’t feel the same. When we first got together, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, we couldn’t get enough kisses, and always held hands. Now, we go days without kissing. We aren’t intimate like we used to be. I feel like you are ashamed or embarrassed of me. I know you said that you aren’t. No, I don’t want you to leave. I just want reassurance. I’m still getting over what I’ve been through in the past, which made me lose self esteem and be self conscious. I’ve come a long way, I think. It just takes a while. You’re helping me through it all even if you don’t realize it. I know it’s not fair to you. But please be patient with me. I’m really trying. I know it works both ways and I haven’t done anything to reassure myself. But I’m scared to try and be rejected. I’m just starting to gain my self esteem back and I’m trying not to be self conscious, but I need your help with reassurance, please.

I want you to do things with (my son) show him the fatherly love that he’s NEVER had and be that father figure to him. I want us to be a family and have a baby of our own. Please don’t be mad or upset with me for expressing my feelings. I love you with all my heart. I just had to let you know before it causes problems with our relationship.

UPDATE:

I did talk to him, well try. I couldn’t get everything I wanted to say out because I froze. I asked him if he still loves me and told him why I asked. (Just told him that things aren’t like they used to be when we first got together). I can’t seem to get the words out when he’s in front of me. So the only way I know is to either text it all to him or write a letter.

UPDATE 2:

I texted him the whole thing while he was out of town. He said he loves me and isn’t going anywhere. Then hasn’t said anything else about it. He called and texted me more when he was gone, told me he loves and missed me, etc. He says he still wants to try for a baby. I told him that yesterday was the most important day according to this app. He said he’ll be home. He got home around 10:00 last night. But, no baby dancing because he was tired. Not even a kiss. I don’t think I’m going to tell him when it’s ovulation time anymore. For the past 2-3 months, he’s been out of town or nothing happens. It makes me think he’s not serious. I’m so hurt. I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up crying myself to sleep around 3:00 this morning. I literally felt like my heart was tearing in half. But then I had to get up at 6:30 to get my son off to school. I’m not expressing my feelings anymore. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. He got back late last night and is saying he’s leaving again Friday to go back. That didn’t help any. The more I think about it, I think I’m just being selfish. But I expressed my feelings to him and all I got was “(my name), I love you with all my heart and I promise I’m not going anywhere”. I’m just so lost, hurt and don’t know what to do. I strongly believe actions speak louder than words. Sorry this is EXTREMELY long. I just need to vent because I have no one to talk to.