My miscarriage changed me. 👼🏻

pregnancy used to be something so beautiful to me... so happy & full of everything exciting. The word ‘pregnancy’ immediately excites you, lighting a fire inside your heart that burns so bright. I’ve thankfully been blessed with previously perfectly healthy pregnancies/deliveries so selfish me assumed this was the ‘norm’ and everything would be okay. Why even think negatively? Of course you know miscarriages happen but OH NO, it’d never happen to you so why worry? Days fly by, symptoms come, and you start to think “am i?”. You obsess over every small cramp and investigate your discharge like a scientist trying to analyze exactly how pregnant you are. Sure enough like your heart told you, two sweet pink lines pop up on a test & immediately your whole world changes. You cry happy tears, overjoyed with a million and one emotions and you immediately fall deeply in love with this little poppy seed you haven’t even met yet. A life so small, but you’re amazed at how quickly he/she already owns a huge chunk of your heart. You become immediately obsessed with your little one, researching endless topics/blogs/pictures daily only worsening your eagerness for baby to arrive, even though you know you have a looooong time still till that happens. You already think of names, nursery ideas, how you’re going to tell your hubby/family. Your entire world is incarcerated in this beautiful fantasy that only takes 40 weeks to come true, & your heart has never been so full. You’re PREGNANT. Life is good, and your world as you know it is at peace. 🌼💛

Chaos happens when one least expects it. If chaos was always able to be anticipated, least there not be any chaos at all, right? You wake up in the morning like any other day with your hand now on your belly, heart full & although you’re exhausted as hell you know it’s because your body is working triple time to make a baby, so you don’t mind. You go pee as usual, but this time something feels a little off. It feels different when you wipe, so you naturally look at the toilet paper curiously thinking it’s just a bunch of pregnancy cm, like no biggie 🤗🤷🏻‍♀️ NO. No no no no. There’s blood...... I’m fucking bleeding. Panic sets in, and suddenly the perfect world you had 5 minutes ago no longer is. Suddenly the impossible is happening, and you’re shocked. Scared. Devastated. Confused. Why me?? What did I do!? You sit there freaking out, continuously wiping wondering why and how this is happening but in your gut you know......you just know you’re losing your baby. More blood comes, and comes and cooooomes, almost as rapid as the tears flowing down your face. You’re losing your baby and there’s nothing you can do about it. The physical pain may be terrible, but it’s the emotional pain that absolutely KILLS you. 😞 Every time you go to the bathroom is another sickening reminder that you’re losing a baby, losing a small yet GIANT piece of you unwillingly. And you can’t deal. You just fucking can’t. You’re strong.... but today, you’re at your weakest momma. Let yourself be weak. PLEASE.... let yourself be weak.

The word ‘pregnancy’ will no longer bring you excitement and joy, but now so resentment and anger. The sadness is always still there, prominent of course, but you’ll be angry at literally everything pregnancy related. You see pregnant women out in public and want to break down. You’ll purposefully avoid isles closest to the baby section in the stores you shop at because you just can’t see those tiny little onesies & bottles you already thought so much about. You’ll start to envy everyone that’s pregnant whether or not it is a friend or family member, because this loss has somehow turned you into a pissed off jealous person. Why me? Why do you deserve a baby and I lost mine?! Emotions will come and go, as they naturally should. Maybe you’ll even hide it verrrrrry well in front of others cause they never even knew, or maybe you’re hiding it to be strong in front of the family that you already told you were pregnant. But at the end of the day when you lay your pretty little head down on your pillow, your miscarriage will be ALL you think about. Mourn, momma. Mourn. It’s okay. You’re NOT alone. You should not be ashamed of your feelings nor be ashamed of being emotional over your loss. A baby is your baby, no matter how far along you are. No matter how, why, when. Please just have some faith, and know that it’s okaaaaaaaay to not be okay sometimes; you’re only human, & a beautiful one at that. 💓☮️✝️ Take the time you need, and mourn how you need to. But be calm, for you have the most beautiful guardian angel looking out for you. 👶🏼❤️ In time your wounds will heal, and you’ll conceive a healthy baby handpicked by your sweet child up above. You’ll always wonder who he/she would’ve been, but rest easy as you two will meet one day. A piece of you will forever be lost, but one day that piece will be found. Be STRONG momma, for you are both. 👼🏻💙💜