8am the next morning was the changeover of staff. I had two new midwives, a very experienced lady and a mature student midwife. These 2 women were/are amazing! They gave me a new instilled confidence. I was so sure that I must be nearly fully dilated by now. The senior midwife did my examination, Marc was stood over me with his hand stroking my face smiling, sure they'd tell us that basically I could start pushing. I was 5cm. In 10 hours, I had dilated 2cm. My heart sank, I felt like I was failing as woman. I couldn't even do the instinctive things properly. The doctors came in and told me that that they thought it would be better for me and baby if I had a c-section. I looked at Marc, he knew that this was the one thing that I didn't want but we both agreed that if it was safer for me and baby, then it was a no brainer.

I thought it would take a while to get everything sorted but after signing the consent form, it was a matter of minutes before they wheeled me towards theatre. Marc kissed me in a way that he'd never kissed me before. He said he'd be there soon. I remember counting the lights on the dank ceiling before squinting at the intense bright lights of the operating theatre. The anaesthetist said they needed to jiggle my epidural around (I'm sure that's the technical term!) They 'jiggled' it and laid me down and said it would take a few minutes for me to go numb. After 10 minutes, the anaesthetist sprayed my leg with an ice cold spray and asked if I could feel it, I said yes. He was surprised and said he'd up the dosage. He tried again 10 minutes later, sprayed again, I could still feel it, several more times and when I could still feel it, they decided they'd have to take it out completely and resite it. Brilliant! The consultant anaesthetist came in and was the most calming influence. She took my hand and explained everything to me. Eventually, after 90 minutes, the epidural being done again, I was numb. Marc appeared in scrubs next to me and I've never been so thankful to see his handsome face smiling at me and making jokes, as was his way of dealing with difficult situations.

They bought the screen up and they started, I could feel them pushing and moving me but no pain. After about 10 minutes, they asked us if we were ready to meet our baby and over the top of the screen appeared our baby. Our actual child. So tiny and delicate but so wrinkled and red at the same time. He started crying and my heart melted. He was ok! I was ok, it's over! He's here! They wrapped him up and they bought him over to us, Marc kissed me, kissed Nico, kissed me, he didn't know what to do. I had tears in my eyes, we'd made this miracle! The midwives and Marc took Nico over to be weighed and measured whilst they sewed me back up.

The next bit happened in a blur. They'd finished sewing me up, the surgeons had left, leaving me with the nurses and anaesthetists. They moved me from the operating table to the trolley to take me back to the ward and I heard someone say, "she's got a bleed!" I assumed they meant, one of the stitches had popped but it was more serious than this. They heaved me back onto the operating table and the surgeons came running back in, scrubbing back up. Everyone seemed to start running around, urgently. I asked the midwife what was happening and she said that I was bleeding. Bleeding? How bad can it be? The anaesthetist kept injecting my hand with various drugs and they were making me feel really unwell. Like I'd drunk too much alcohol on an empty stomach. The surgeon paged another consultant who came running in and started telling people to get different drugs and to get a bigger needle. Someone was inside me! Inside my uterus, massaging it. That's what I found out afterwards, at the time, I had no idea. They lifted the screen so I couldn't see what they were doing. I was starting to feel even worse, I was cold, really cold. I could hear the anaesthetist telling someone that my temperature was low and my heart rate had dropped very low. I was trying to look round for Marc and Nico but they'd gone. I was panicking about where they were, frantically asking for them, just to be told that they'd gone to the ward. Why would he leave? I need him! Where is my baby?! I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. I don't know what happens in the next hour until they move me back onto the trolley and I remember looking across at the operating table and seeing blood. Everywhere. It was dripping onto the floor, it looked like something out of a horror film.

They wheeled me to the ward and Marc was stood there with Nico. I thought I should feel a huge rush of love but I felt nothing. My body had been pushed too far. My parents arrived and my mum burst into tears after seeing me. She said I looked unrecognisable, my face was white and swollen. They were excited to see Nico and were gushing with pride but I was exhausted! I just wanted to sleep but the doctors wanted to keep taking endless amounts of blood to figure out why my heart rate was racing. Marc had to leave at 8pm, leaving me alone with a newborn baby, numb from the waist down, exhausted after being awake for 36 hours and after speaking to the doctors, losing 25% of my blood in 2 minutes in theatre. I cried. Almost all night. I didn't know how to help Nico, I didn't know what he wanted, I couldn't reach him in his crib because of my legs being numb. I laid awake holding him, trying not to doze off and counting down the hours till Marc was allowed back at 8am.

I ended up needing 2 blood transfusions before they would even consider sending us to the normal post-natal ward but my god, they made me feel amazing! I was a little wary of the thought of someone else's blood entering my body but as soon as the IV started, it was like life was flowing back into me, I felt invigorated!

After 2 more days on the observation ward, my heart rate and blood pressure stabilised and I was finally allowed onto the post-natal ward. 2 more days and we were finally allowed home to start our life as a new family.

None of what happened was in my birth plan. The hospital didn't even look or ask about my birth plan. I wanted a relaxed water birth but ended up having an emergency c-section but that's ok, I still gave birth to my baby boy. I'm not saying I didn't struggle with this concept, I did. I felt I'd lost out on the birth I wanted and I wanted for Marc. I wanted him to see me as his wife giving birth to son and instead I felt that I'd failed him. Failed my baby as I couldn't even give birth to him properly. My body failed me and I nearly died (I didn't find this out until after I'd gone home and seen the midwife.)

I now look back on Nico's birth as something amazing and the biggest achievement. I went through all of that and survived and gave life to the most incredible human. I look at challenges in life with a whole new outlook; I'm not defeatist; I am woman.