How do you get over hating everything about yourself, your wedding, you baby shower, just everything?

I’ve always been a very low expectation person and very understanding when things can’t be how I’d like them to be. I’ve experienced a lot of abuse and loss in my life so I haven’t really hoped for much. But I’ve hated everything that’s happened and I don’t know what to do. I am depressed, have been for a long time and my therapist is working on me standing up for myself but I don’t seem to ever learn how.

I know I shouldn’t hate my pregnant body but I do. I’ve had severe body image issues in the past and issues with eating disorders because of it. Being pregnant, while a miracle, has been very hard not to hate myself again even though I love my baby more than I do anything else. I feel guilty for not liking how I look pregnant.

My husband proposed and knows I hate being the center of attention so when he did it in a room full of strangers I felt awkward and shook my head yes but didn’t really say anything. When I tried to talk to him later about how I was scared and felt rushed he said I already said yes so there’s no point in changing it. We could have a long engagement. But then we found out I was pregnant so he wanted to get married sooner to get more benefits from the army for being married with a kid. I didn’t want to and told him that but he made it seem like that was the only way to get health insurance for the baby. And I didn’t really understand how I could do it otherwise. Especially because I don’t work and I’m out of school. Then his family put pressure to get married and I felt overwhelmed and shut down so I agreed. I know I’m stupid. But I couldn’t hold my ground. And he knows how I feel.

I figured with the baby maybe he was being smart and I was just afraid of commitment. But now I’m married and terrified because we don’t work well together and we communicate horribly. He’s so mean and manipulating. I’m not good enough unless I change everything about me. The wedding was done by his Aunt who told me I was lucky he decided to marry me because I wasn’t pretty enough for another man to want me or this baby. His mom told me I should kill myself after the baby because it’d be better for all involved. It broke my heart.

Today was the baby shower and his mom

Made my mom cry and told me I was a miserable ungrateful bitch because I didn’t say hi to her first. I was overwhelmed and scared and tried so hard to smile and show I was happy but everyone was drunk and loud and rude to each other. I just didn’t feel like it was a celebration of the life I’m bringing into this world but an excuse for everyone to drink.

I’m trying so hard not to hate everything but I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to pack my things and the babies stuff and go back to my parents to find a job and then a place for me and the baby. I’m not comfortable loving with the in laws. I’m terrified. Scared. And disappointed that nothing has been happy.

I don’t know how to get over this huge feeling of disappointment and fear.