So, I have been with my boyfriend for four years. (But...)

We have been going distance all through my college years. He is 3 years older... Our families know each other, he usually puts effort in our relationship, compliments me everyday, puts me as a priority, talks to me everyday all day, shows me off on social media, takes me on dates, we often do skype dates, when we are together he always wants to be with me (in a healthy way because we both want to as well) we would have trips together, he knows my family and I know his. We are pretty much unofficially married.

Nevertheless, he is a very jealous guy. We have established and consented many rules on our relationship because of “trust issues” I guess going long distance (different countries) is not that easy and doable without them? Some of them: don’t get back home from partying later than 2:30 am, tell each other if we speak to somebody from the other gender other than our usual friends. (Random guys, girls and usually on social media or such), etc. Honestly, I feel like we have certain controlling rules but they have worked for us and are consented.

Now the problem... We have had very strong ups and downs and some of those include us being disrespectful towards each other with words. A couple of years ago, I got really drunk at a party with my girlfriends and somebody grabbed my phone and answered to a call he had made. He got really mad and started calling me names. I know that I shouldn’t have allowed that, and I took action and broke up with him. The next day he apologized but I was too hurt because I had never been called names. After a couple of weeks perhaps a month we came back together and everything was great. Usually and “healthy” fighting over whatever but he wouldn’t disrespect me. However, something in me grew and I would. Which I never would have done otherwise.

Maybe 6 months later, we fought again, he had been drinking and I had been drinking too and wasn’t answering my phone (all of this long distance) and he got really jealous and started calling me names and fighting. Same thing, he said he was sorry, and long story short I told him that he had to go see a psychologist if he really wanted to be with me and he did. He really changed...

I had a lot of sadness in my heart, because I know he really loves me and I do as well. However, that curtain of respect was cut and it has affected our relationship so much. I really can’t blame him over my actions because I disrespect him too. I call him names and have often accused him of cheating. We are both very insecure about that despite that we don’t give each other reasons.

Yesterday, perhaps a year after the last incident... it happened again. He had changed, but I had not. My bad words continue. We had been fighting all day, and I had been telling him that he was probably going to go out to go see another girl, etc etc. Insecurities kicked in and I disrespected him. I uploaded a picture to instagram in a bikini but you couldn’t really see anything. (I must admit I did it because I was mad at him) super immature. He got mad(der) and he uploaded one to his story of him showing off his body, super stupid. (We’ve always talked about guys who do that) and honestly, it made me mad and I asked him to take it down bc he had sent that to me before and I considered it private. He didn’t and I said he wouldn’t like it if I uploaded a picture of me showing something else...I insulted him. He went out to one of his buds house, and was drinking with his guy friends, a bbq. No big deal, since we had been fighting Idk I started overthinking and told him he was probably going to be with some girl or whatever. The night went by, and he continued drinking, I was with my friends drinking casually too and decided to upload a story from one of my friends instagram in which you could see some cleavage from my boobs (im a size D...) he then saw the picture and went CRAZY about it. He started calling me names, like whore, easy, slut, attention seeker, etc and he even told me to take it down because if I didn’t he would leak nude pictures of me that he supposedly has since “I wanted to show my body.” Long story short we fought all night. I woke up this morning torn apart from reading all of the things he said. He cried and cried today apologizing saying that he knows how much I am worth and saying that nobody no girl ever deserves to be treated that way. He has asked me to forgive him but also told me that he understands how much he hurt me and if I decide to leave him he would take the hit because he fucked up. He really doesn’t have pictures of me he was just trying to make a terrible point. He told me that he treated me as if I was worth nothing however, I meant everything to him. Listening to these words just broke my heart.

I am Really t.o.r.n. I am very in love with him and had so many plans for the future... i am super confused in what to do. However, he was very disrespectful towards me and said some really fucked up things. I can’t blame him fully because I have also been that way. I will not make up excuses because as he says, nobody deserves to be treated that way and with a women’s dignity you should never play... I really do need an unbiased advice from you guys and. I would really appreciate some.