a note..

To be honest, emotions suck.

I'm writing this as a note to anyone who knows me and to myself if I die soon.

My emotions have been unbearable to the point where I hope I get killed in an accident or out in the hospital long enough that things change or even fix themselves.

I know I'm going to sound terrible but I have no one to talk to.

School: school is overwhelming. I thought highschool was so bad but yet university is draining, physically and mentally to the point of me wanting to drop out. All of whatever money I've spared since birth is gone. I don't have anything anymore and I can barely pay for my own gas that I spend 40$ minimum every 4 days so that I can get to school.

I've never been lazy in a way that I put off important things like assignments until now. I will put off all of my work until the last minute and then have a panic attack about getting it done. Speaking of panic attacks I've never had anxiety like this before. My anxiety attacks feel so terrible and they make me want to go back to cutting bevshse I feel like it'll be the only thing that works again and that thought haunts me. So school is causing me the anxiety I never wanted.

Family: my family is fuxked with a capital F. Now I won't go into details but my parents are very protective. So much to the point that I feel like I'm constantly being suffocated. I will admit they're not as bad lately but I have a "boyfriend" now and I seriously can't do some couple things because of them. They're the reason I don't want to go home everyday. They always pin all of their stress and anything on me. I'll be having a fine day, I'll get home and it turns to hell. For the past few months I've been crying everyday and it could possible be from the hormonal pills I'm on but holy fuck I just can't do it. They don't help unless they find me on the floor hyperventilating like they have been lately. And the worst part is I bottle up all of my emotions so when I start yo break down, it's like hell.

Love: I'm with a guy who I think is so damn special. So special to the point of me caring so much about him and he thinks that he can't be loved because of past trauma. All these months I've just wanted to prove him wrong but it's draining. Also I care a lot but to be honest I feel like he doesn't care enough. At the beginning it was all about us and only us. Every change we could get to see each other we took it! I loved seeing him almost every day and getting to know him. It was amazing and my stress disappeared. Then he got a job. Now I'm not trying to sound like a monster but once he got a job I didn't matter. It went from seeing eachother 4 days a week to once a week. Then he started to let work consume him so that I went from number one to number two. Then he started to see his friends again andnibgot knocked down to number 3. All the stress from everyday really started to build up and finally we had our first real fight. It ended terribly and I blame myself everyday but he did say some pretty horrible things to me that made me fall out of love for him. Now it's to the point where I really feel like he only sees me for the sex and because he feels he needs to. So I feel like absokoye shit. Every once in a while it'll feel good again but then he doesn't text me or anything and o feel like shit again.

I'm currently writing this in my car thags getting colder. I'm shaking from the crying and the cold and I really don't want to go inside my house and get put into another situation of bottling. I feel like the only thing to do at this point is die or go away. Go away and don't come back for weeks, maybe months I don't know. All I really want is for my parents to lay off and for my love life to go back to before he got a job and I started to drop down. I really constantly feel like shit and I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I'm going to go inside again and cry some more because it's the only thing I can do at this point.