Was wondering if anyone else out there has suffered the tragic loss of a sibling (25 or younger.) My little brother was 4 years younger than me; I’m 28 and he was 23. He was really my “big” little brother...I’m 6’ tall and 215, he was 6’5” and 275. He drove home from a cousin’s wedding we attended one night in November of 2017. I told him to come back with me to the hotel but he insisted he follow me back in his own car. I’d been with him all night and knew he was good to drive so I didn’t protest. He decided to drive home without telling me...probably because he knew I’d be angry and nag him like an annoying older sister. He was just a stubborn ass, and I know he probably would have just done it anyway. He fell asleep (we think...there’s no other explanation) on the hour drive home to our hometown and crashed his car. I was the last person to see him alive. My cousins woke me up the next morning at the hotel to tell me and take me home.

He was my best friend. I was most myself when I was with him. We both had lived at home with our parents to pay off college bills. In our boring tiny town living with our parents, we were miserable. But we had each other, always going on adventures and constantly learning from each other, and that made it more fun than I could possibly say. I still feel like I’m in denial...like he’s just on vacation and will be back any minute. Most of the time it isn’t real.

I’ll tell you now...if you have never experienced this, I don’t want to hear from you. Not trying to be mean...but to anyone who TRULY understands what this feels like, I PROMISE YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE. I cannot tell you how tired I am of people trying to console me who have never gone through this type of loss. My little brother was my flesh and blood. I was his keeper and he was my protector at the same time. Now I sit in his chair in his room among his things. I wear his shirts. I wait for him to come home and sit with us at dinner and tell funny stories. I talk about him any time I’m reminded of him because I don’t want his memory to leave, and I think it makes people around me uncomfortable.

I want to hear from the dead sibling club. I don’t know how to cope with this. I need help.