This is the letter I wish I could send but can’t. Hopefully this will bring me some inner peace.

I am ready to forgive everything. After spending the last few weeks in solitude due to unforeseen circumstances that my anger and hurt is doing nothing but slowly killing me. You honestly broke my heart, soul, confidence and made me question my very existence. I am still pulling myself back together and believe someday I will. When I put your stuff in your bag it wasn’t to break up with you but to let you know you were losing me. That I felt you were not in it one hundred percent anymore (and clearly you were not). That I felt I had to do something dramatic to get your attention since you weren’t listening to me and I knew I was falling down a rabbit hole of depression. And then when I found out I was pregnant I was scared to death. I wanted to tell you in person, I had it all planned out and yet you said you would come down and you never did. I then knew that you didn’t care about me at all and went and did something to this day I wonder if truly messed me more up and have ruined my future. And aborted our boy. Weeks later papa died and I really needed you not as boyfriend but as a friend who truly cared about me. And you wouldn’t come again for me to completely break down and try to end it all because I knew I was officially alone in the world and I will always be alone. To this day I am still alone, I had told you previously I have not spoken to my family in over a year. I moved back to Arkansas for two months and came back to California, I needed to face my fears and get the help I truly needed and was not able to get out there. I am sorry for all the awful stuff I said to you and in some fucked up way was trying to hurt you back just as you had hurt me. Which was childish and not fair. I wanted to say I am sorry and that I forgive you and myself for everything. I wish you a long and healthy life.