I’m writing this in the midst of my heart break. My journey so far has been a roller coaster and I’m officially lost. I’ve tried so hard to stay positive but just become numb.

My story begins last year, all I wanted was turn 30 before trying to have a baby. Immediately after I removed my IUD we fell pregnant. I had been reading heartbroken posts on here and was saddened yet so happy we conceived right away. Shock hit my body as I didn’t think it would happen so fast. At 9 weeks I barely spotted but my dr said come in anyway I’m close enough to get an ultrasound. My husband and I saw the scan and I knew it was over. It took me one month to naturally miscarry. No one told me how painful that is, how dizzy you get, how sore you feel after. I assumed it would just be like a heavy period. A lesson I didn’t think I would ever relive.

I started opks with no surge for months. 5 to be exact, until finally that dark line telling us time for baby making. 2 months later another positive test. I told my husband I didn’t want to wait to tell people this was our baby and it was going to be ok. As I watched the pregnancy test lines get lighter, my stomach became full of knots, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. By my second blood draw to see if the levels were going up or down I started to bleed. If there was a silver lining at least this time was less painful, but I’m still feeling the dull cramping 4 days later. I got to tell my sister I mailed her a gift (to announce) that was no longer relevant.

I feel for those who see those bfn over and over and truly hope your dreams come true. I hate the phrase it’s not your time, and your time will come- so I don’t say it to others. I just now know any positive test I get it will be more terrifying then a bfn.

Outside of this loss, I’ve had some odd things occur. I’ve been assigned to a different area at work I hate, my parents we’re both officially “diagnosed” with alcoholism with their recent hospital stays, and I may have lost a good friend. My friend came over 2 days ago and went through my bathroom trash and called me

Out for a positive pregnancy test. I was trying to have distractions cheer me up and instead I felt attacked. She’s a “one upper” and had to make it about her which is why I didn’t think to ever tell her.

Finally today, my dogs got into a fight and my eldest is limping. I’m sitting with him asleep in my lap feeling like a failure as a dog mom. I don’t know what else to do.