I’m afraid I’ve let myself be used...again.

Although, I don’t think it was my fault, because I really just wanted to be a friend. He said he didn’t want to be rude and leave me. I feel like a fool.

Maybe I was so caught up in wanting to see the good in people, that I forgot they didn’t perceive me the same. The fact that my best friend had to tell me, that I create a alternate reality, which I try to validate by finding any little piece that will allow me to keep my reality intact, was a blunt blow right in my heart.

Do you think that I’ve become so naive? Do you think that me getting better, has lead me to break down barriers that I built?

Or am I just a foolish person?

I trusted someone miles away, I thought I was genuinely entering a mutual friendship but he was doing me a “kind favour”. How could I ever let myself go? To think someone genuinely would want to be my friend, without strings attached....

I feel so stupid, I feel like taking my brain out and stomping on it, I want to pull my heart out rip it to shreds. Oh God, why didn’t you warn me..

I thought I was smart but I think I might just not be smart at all.

Friend, is anything real anymore? Or is everything in this world attached with terms and conditions?

This has left me reeling and I don’t know who I am anymore.

How could I let this happen?

Don’t tell me it’s not a big deal, don’t tell me it was his fault, don’t tell me it’ll be okay because I know this will change me...idk how..idk what to do friend...I feel lost and used..I feel like I was not a real person with feelings to him..I feel like I’m only being used even if I’d never do that to anyone else..why does it happen to me?

I have to wrap this up now, but I hope I find myself again and I hope I can stop feeling like a fool.

Please pray that I no longer trust people and open my heart genuinely..because I never get anything good back.