PSA I am sorry this is a little lengthy, but I really appreciate you reading. I have never posted to a forum before so bear with me! All of my closest friends either have boyfriends or a “friend with benefits”, and it makes me feel really isolated. I am a senior in high school, so I know I have lots of time to explore men and relationships, but it feels so strange to have been practically the only person in my friend group to be single/not even talking to a guy. I don’t mean this to come off in the wrong way, but I am kind of “popular” and pretty well liked at my school, so I feel like people view me as someone who would have a boyfriend and be one of those classic “relationship girls”, which just creates added pressure and me being wrongly stereotyped and misunderstood. Every family gathering I go to I am constantly asked “do you have a boyfriend?”, and I always say no because, well, I don’t, but I don’t really mind. Well, I guess it’s not that I don’t mind, I do feel emotionally lonely a lot, but I have a ton of friends that regularly fill that void. If I was ever confronted with a relationship, even with someone I really like, I would probably turn it down or “try”, and then freak out and dump them. I have a big fear of sexual encounters/anything that makes me too vulnerable (I have a lot of anxiety), and I do feel like that is something that really deters me from relationships. I feel like i will be obligated to do sexual things when I’m not ready, just because high school guys are horny. Even if they’re nice guys!! I will just feel obligated and I feel like I wouldn’t speak up if I actually didn’t want to. This is also brings up my extreme lack of trust in men. There are very few men I trust, and even when I begin to trust high school guys, there is always something in my head that tells me to not, and then I overthink and end the relationship. My dad and mom got divorced when I was 11 and he moved away and got remarried, so i don’t know if this has subconsciously really affected me or not. I have had one relationship that lasted about 2 months, I really really liked the guy, I trusted him, he was caring and thoughtful and musically talented, but he got too clingy and I started backing out. There was also a situation near the end of our relationship where he came to my family’s condo and while I was half asleep he got into my bed and did unwanted things to me. It sounds really horrible and I don’t want to be sounding like some victim, and yes it was bad but i swear he is a nice guy, i honestly think he misinterpreted signals and thought I was fully awake or something idk. So of course this situation REALLY made me lack trust with men because the one guy I really really did trust broke that. This makes me afriad of any and every relationship. I feel like I am so painfully independent, and although I am a very happy person, I feel like I am missing out on something. I don’t feel right, I feel like the amount of distrust and anxiety I feel towards relationships and sex and guys isn’t “normal” or even healthy. I wonder if I will EVER be in a relationship.

Another side note, I have a very very low sex drive. I have felt sexual feelings before, but very little, and almost never when I was actually with a guy because I feel like my anxiety is so high that I can’t allow myself to feel that way in those personally high stress situations. I just don’t know if this is normal. I mean I am only 17 but I feel like everyone I know has had sex, and the worst thing I have done with a guy is get a hickey. I have had crushes on guys, but not too many. I can’t tell if I just have really high expectations with guys or it just takes a really specific dude! I have wondered if I was asexual before because I do feel really different, but I have kind of ditched that idea because I do have interest in males and imagine sexual situations, just not as much as my peers. Is this just me, or am I a “late bloomer” of sorts?

There is so much I have been wondering about, I have done extensive research about me as a person and my situations, but I still don’t feel any closure or like I’ve gotten appropriate answers. If anyone has any words of wisdom or answers at all about my issue with relationships, my low sex drive, my anxiety surrounding guys, daddy issues, anything, I would really appreciate it. Thank you. :)