We lost our baby 4 months ago when I was in labor. I've cried recently for weeks begging and wanting a baby but he doesn't which I understand yesterday night I did something terrible I was just so in the moment of wanting one... we had sex and he came all over my vagina and in the back idk why he did this but he was playing with my vagina with cum on my vagina (acting like he wanted me to get pregnant?? I went into the bathroom and cleaned up and there was so much cum I took alittle on my finger and put it up my vagina I want to cry. This is not me. I ruined trust, honesty I went behind his back knowing he doesn't want one. I'm the worst person ever and I'm praying rn that I'm not going to become pregnant and if I do I don't know how I will live with myself. Please help I'm begging I'm freaking out I'm such a bad person.