Friday it’ll be a year. Looking back my birth wasn’t so bad, I delivered at 34w3, after 20 hours of my water breaking, irregular contractions and having to be induced, finally delivered him with help of vacuum extraction, cervical tear, yes it all hurt very bad but I had help from a wonderful team of midwives, doctors and my husband. Even though it all seemed traumatic until recently.

He had to stay 12 days at the NICU, he could breathe on his own, after one day feed on his own, later he had to control his glucose, temperature and bilirubin, and gain weight.

Thinking about it while being calm is fine, but sometimes something triggers me. I get nightmares, right now I can’t sleep, last week I got horribly nauseous without apparent reason. It had been months since the last time seeing a pregnant woman triggered me, now the picture of a pregnant friend triggered me, feeling anxious, sad, helpless, desperate.

My baby is turning one year old and all I can think of is that it’s gonna be a year since this event (his birth) and how much I suffered not being able to hold him, take him home, get pictures of my belly, get pictures and hand/footprints of him as a newborn. 😪