Secret past miscarriage—advice on breaking the news?

So, before my husband and I were married we got pregnant by accident. Since I thought I had a higher chance of miscarriage (I have lupus... but apparently not the factors that make miscarriage more likely, I now know) we were waiting at least until that magic 12th week when you’re less likely to miscarry at that point.

My family is Uber liberal and would have been disappointed that we had gotten pregnant so young, my hubbys family is Uber conservative and would have been disappointed we had premarital sex (and the out of wedlock pregnancy to prove it). That time before the 12th week was as much a time to figure out how to break it to our families as it was any worry about miscarriage. We never got the chance to have to break the news because we miscarried at 10 weeks.

At that point it seemed pointless to even bring it up, plus we were already torn apart by the loss just as we had started to accept it to even bother with the emotions behind telling our families that we were pregnant— and their possible backlash— and then have the emotional toll of admitting our miscarriage. I was honestly afraid that the news of miscarriage would be received as good news after that of the “disappointing pregnancy” (now I know none of my family or his would have done or said anything like that... but pregnancy and miscarriage are highly sensitive, emotional, and hormonal times).

...

The only thing I’m thinking of now is... now that we are going to TTC, I feel like I might feel like I’m living a lie. I’m worried if I hear “first baby” so many times I may just lose it. On top of everything I’m still worried about how people would perceive this past pregnancy, and my husband says that he’s pretty sure his grandparents (who I love and are basically adoptive parents for BOTH OF US) will feel incredibly hurt and betrayed that we kept it a secret. It’s been over 4 years now, and other then when it actually happened, I don’t know when would have ever been a good time to bring it up. It was already incredibly emotional to have them go through becoming great grandparents “for the first time” with our niece while they (and no one) knew that they were already great grandparents to a little baby up in heaven that they don’t know about...

I don’t know what to do. It seems like there’ll be suffering no matter what, so is it best to just spare them and not bring it up? I’m afraid I’ll slip and say something like “the only thing I could bear to eat last time was Albertsons fried chicken” or something. (Also this was weirdly true. I had terrible morning sickness, and the most unlikely food-grocery store deli fried chicken- was the only thing that was appetizing to me during that time... FOR WEEKS!)