I just don’t know anymore...

I try not to think about it a lot cause it makes me sad, but now and then i have bad nights were i just hate myself. Today is one of those days.

I’m 21 years old and i have never ever had a SO. I have never been kissed. I have never gone on a date. I have never been asked out. I have never even been told that someone likes me. I have never had someone flirt with me.

Through the years i’ve just brushed it off. It’s easier to hide the sadness and insecurity. If anybody asks i just say that i’m good alone, that i’m fine by myself, because how can i confess that i desperately crave to feel the warmth of someone that loves me. To make someone laugh and realize that i can bring happiness to someone else. But i know i can’t hide it forever. Time passes and i see the pity in the eyes of people around me when they ask. My best friend got married, my brother has his girlfriend and my friends their boyfriends and i’m always the third wheel, trying not to feel bad that i can’t share secret looks and whispers with somebody else and having to look away when the people around me do.

And when i’m alone and all the things that distract me are gone i’m left to wonder, is it me? Am I not lovable? Is my body that horrible? I see other plus girls happy with their SO and I wonder when will it be me? When will someone love the whole of me? Is it the color of my skin? The weight i carry? The shape of my eyes? The pores on my face? The color of my hair? The way i talk? The sound of my voice? I just don’t know anymore.

I’m gonna be 22 soon... and i feel lonelier than ever.

Just wanted to let it out