I desperately need to lose weight.

I am 22 years old and I’m fat. I hate it. I hate my body. I’ve always hated it, but you know what? I’ve looked back at photos of me when I was so insecure as a young teenager. I thought I was obese and I thought people would whisper about me and call me fat. I wasn’t even fat at all. I just had a little bit of love handles. Which my family pointed out ALL the time. And they didn’t mean harm by it but it still hurt me and made me super self conscious. I remember so many instances where there were small comments about my weight and I can’t help but wonder if I’d be where I am now if people didn’t actually focus on maybe my two pounds of belly fat that really wasn’t that noticeable.

But I thought “well I’m already fat so what does it matter” and now I’m 180 pounds and only 5’3”. My arms are huge and I hate my stomach. I have so many stretch marks, it looks like I was pregnant with sextuplets. I’m afraid to lose weight because I don’t want people to notice. I don’t want people to know I’m unhappy with my weigh or that I’m trying to lose weight. I don’t even want the “oh my gosh! You look great” if I were to even lose the weight. I just wish people wouldn’t comment on how big or small others are. Just mind your own. I want to feel pretty. I’ve never had a guy show any interest in me. My parents think I’m a lesbian and afraid to tell them. That’s not the case, I’m just ugly. And I hate it. I think I have a pretty cute face but my triple chin draws all the attention. I don’t even have any pictures of myself with my nieces and nephews because I am petrified of having photos taken of me. I don’t know where to go from here. I just wish I had the genes my parents brag about. They were always thin, regardless of what they ate. Ugh. Thanks for reading if you did.