Please help
In the past I’ve been in some bad relationships and have had some bad experiences with some guys. I had finally met a guy I trusted and cared a lot about. After a while we decided to have sex. That night after I went home he called me and asked for me to come to his house and hang out with him and some of his friends. I went over and saw him with 4 other guys all hanging out in the kitchen with multiple bottles of alcohol. They all got excited when I walked in and were encouraging me to drink. I was only 16 at the time and they were all underaged as well either 17 or 18 years old but I had been experimenting with alcohol since I was in middle school so it didn’t seem like a big deal to take one or two shots since I wouldn’t be driving afterwards. After a couple shots I didn’t want to keep going but they started saying things like “stop being such a pussy and drink more” they started to get a little aggressive and I was too scared to say no. The next thing I knew, the guy I was with at the time was carrying me up the stairs. I could barely move I felt almost paralyzed. As soon as he got to the top of the stairs he brought me to a dark room and all I could see was one of his friends sitting in a chair by the window just looking at me smiling like he was waiting for me or something. I didn’t know what was going on but I had never been more scared in my life. I just wanted to go home. The guy I was with put my on the ground and left the room.. I’m not going to get into details but his friend got on top of me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to make him stop but I could barely lift my arm an inch off the ground and tried saying stop but he wouldn’t listen. All I could do was lay there crying unable to move. As soon as he was done he walked out of the room and I thought it was over but then another one of his friends came in. It happened all night. They all just took turns raping me and there’s nothing I could do about it. After that night he blocked me on everything and I haven’t talked to him or seen him or any of his friends since then. I’m 17 almost 18 now and I still think about it everyday and feel sick and haven’t been the same since.
Since then I’ve tried having sex with other guys but every time, I have panic attacks and I feel like I can’t breath and freak out and it always scares them away. What’s wrong with me? Is this normal? Will I ever be able to have sex again or ever actually be able to enjoy it or the thought of it? Will I ever move on from this or be the same ever again?
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.