I think I’ve reached a dead end.

My husband is driving me completely crazy!!!!!!!

We’ve been married almost four years and things have only gotten worse as time has gone on. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Hyperthyroidism all in the past year and been hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts. I feel like all of our arguing is slowly killing my heart, spirit, and body.

My son was born in June 2016. He wasn’t planned, but he was definitely wanted. I had always wanted to be a mother, but I also was so afraid of becoming a mom when I felt like I wasn’t even able to be a wife yet.

Since the birth of my son, I began to descend into postpartum depression. It was very subtle at first. We were living with my husband’s parents at the time because we were so poor we would have been homeless otherwise. And then I discovered an infestation in their home that caused us to lose half of our possessions and honestly I think I have paranoia from that time that will never go away. We moved in with my parents during that crisis. Then, my husband accepted a job out of state, and the three of us moved just a couple months later.

I am now here in a state where I have no friends or family that I can count on. I am completely alone. I am a stay at home mom with my son, and I love it. But my husband has commented more than once that he is the only one who contributes to our family. I have major mental health struggles, it’s true. But I see my primary care doctor regularly, have tried countless medications and remedies, go to counseling, go to support group, and am committed to getting better in every way. However, my husband constantly throws it in my face that I am “psycho” and “crazy” and “insane.” He has said over and over that the problems in our marriage are only my problems. I am ashamed to say that I have been abusive in our relationship. I do also see my husband treating me abusively, and I feel like I shouldn’t be the only one trying to get better.

Now, after over a month of being unemployed, he is beginning a new job tomorrow. We only have one vehicle, and his new job is 1hr+ commute one way depending on traffic. When he initially accepted this position, he reassured me that he would be taking the bus, so that my son and I wouldn’t be stranded at home without the car. Over the past few weeks, his story changed, and now he wants to take the car multiple times a week.

I am feeling so helpless, vulnerable, alone, angry, and without support. There are no friends or family that can help me if I need it. I won’t have a car for myself or my son if there is an emergency. I am panicking and am just so angry at my husband most of all. After all he’s dragged me through, after all he’s said to me, this just feels like the last straw. I hate him for moving us up here to be isolated and now I hate him for taking our only car away from me and my son, it feels like my last escape is gone.

Sorry this was so long, but damn, I needed to get that out. 😢😡