I can’t handle the sympathy

I lost my baby last monday at 16 weeks pregnant. The physical pain is now gone, but the emotional pain is still strong. I feel defeated and defective whenever I don’t have something to occupy my mind and my thoughts turn inward.

The worst part, for me at least, is the sympathy. I appreciate it, I really do. But the words of comfort people keep giving me are having the opposite effect.

They keep saying everything happens for a reason or God has a plan. But every time they say that all I can think of is that if that statement is true then either god is cruel enough to plan that or just hates me enough to do it to me.

I hear it every single day, over and over. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I hate myself enough, I don’t need to think about a god hating me too. I know that that is their faith and to them that’s the ultimate comfort, but to me it just makes it hurt so much worse.

I had to go back to work 2 days after it happened. Sitting in the office in pain and crying and constantly going back and forth to the bathroom to change pads was horrible. But I did what I had to do. I just wanted to be left alone, but everyone had to come and give their expert medical opinion or their spiritual words of wisdom.

Every time someone said something that hurt and made me feel raw, I just smiled and thanked them. Because I know they mean it in a kind way. They have no idea that it’s the wrong thing to say to me. Maybe to someone else those phrases would be comforting... I just wish they would stop saying them to me. Because for me they just bring up all the self loathing I’m currently dealing with.

I just want to be myself again. To love myself again. We burned the sheets that got ruined by my miscarriage yesterday along with the underwear and pants that we couldn’t get the blood stains out of. It made me feel a little lighter. I still haven’t thrown away the ultrasound pictures. I can’t let that go yet. But every day I feel a little lighter, a little less self hating, and a little less angry. I just tell myself that sometimes things go wrong for no reason at all, no grander purpose. And that comforts me in a weird way. It wasn’t my fault, or my husbands, or some gods fault. It just happened. And it will be okay with time.