Just Need to Vent

When I was 14, almost 15, I smoked weed 🤷🏽‍♀️ And my best friend's brothers and sister knew a dealer. So I went to his house with another friend of mine to smoke. She ran home (it was walking distance) to meet her girlfriend. I was naive and went in his bedroom because "his kids would be down from Chicago," and he didn't want the smoke in the livingroom.

So, long story short, I was raped. I got pregnant one month before my 15th birthday. But I was still getting my normal period, so I didn't know I was pregnant. 6 months later, I started bleeding for almost 2 months. I finally told my mom what happened. We took a pregnancy test, it was negative. Finally she took me to the ER, the did an ultrasound and that's when they saw I WAS pregnant.

The baby had died, they think I had went into labor (which explained the "bad cramps"), but the baby never made it's way out. Since I was drinking and smoking to I guess, ease the pain, the baby didn't mature the way he was supposed to. Which explained why I didn't gain any weight.

Sorry, I'm so long-winded and ADD. Anyway, I was 6 months pregnant when the baby died. And he was decomposing inside of me for 2 months. So I was told I would never be able to have children after that.

So fast forward a year, I'm in a relationship with a woman for 7 years. After I leave her, I have a rebound. I hadn't gotten my period for 2 months. Then I bled for 3 weeks. I go to the doctor and they say I'm having a "threatened miscarriage." And due to all of the scarring from my first pregnancy, I CAN conceive, I just cannot carry past 12 weeks. I did lose the baby.

Then I meet my current boyfriend. I told him I couldn't have kids, so we started having unprotected sex. A few months later, having gone through it twice before, I was certain I was miscarrying again. And I was "right." Or so I thought.

After my first missed period, I found out 3 months later, I was actually 13 weeks pregnant. Then I started to bleed, heavy. I'm again told I'm having a threatened miscarriage. After quiet a few trips to the hospital, I lost the baby at 16 weeks.

I was devastated. I still am! I lost the baby in September of last year.

So in January, I'm told I'm having a chemical pregnancy. Then I bled for the rest of the month. Go BACK to the doctor, they run test, and tell me I have PCOS and they wanted to put me on BC. I declined, as I've tried many BCs and they ALL give me the worst breast pain.

So, I started looking things up, found Vitex. BAM! Within a week it was starting to regulate me.

Except for this cycle. I was exactly 1 week late. Ran to my mom's to grab flour, decided to take a test, NEGATIVE! I wipe, and BAM! Blood.

I really thought I was pregnant. I've had nausea, sore breasts (which isn't one of my usual PMS symptoms) and tired.. like when I've been pregnant.

So, now I am so hurt. Like, every time I start my period, I just feel sick to my stomach. If my reproductive organs don't work right to have a baby.. WHY DO THEY WORK ENOUGH TO BLEED?

I have been praying to God so hard. And I don't want to lose my faith, but it's getting harder and harder every month.

😭😭😭 I am just really discouraged after today. I've been taking Vitex, we used Preseed, and my boyfriend has been drinking Apple Cider Vinegar.. which supposedly helps with sperm count.

I'm about to just give up and come to realization I will never be a mommy.

I love my boyfriend's daughter to pieces.. But I want US to have a baby and expand OUR family.

I'm sorry it's so long. I just really needed to get that off of my chest.