"You keep saying you love me, but do you like me?"

I'm currently 26, I've dated a handful of men, ranging from sexually/physically/emotionally abusive to simply unmotivated/uninterested in advancing. 

The guy I'm seeing now I've known my whole life.  He was my friend throughout all my shitty boyfriend's and eventually opened up about liking me all this time a few years ago.

I have been told by family and ex friends that I am incredibly unlikable.  I'm awkward, shy, I have some mental health problems that are a result of an abusive upbringing and traumatic events throughout my life.  So I thought... he knows me.  He's seen me at my worst, my best, and he's known me longer than anyone else.  If I'm so unlikeable, surely he would have seen that by now?

Fast forward two years of dating, 6 months of living together.  I'm in college and we worked out a deal that since I'm working reduced hours, I'd take on a reduced number of bills (I make 30% of what he does)

Not even a month into living together he has a meltdown about how he "pays for everything."

I could understand if he was hurting for money, but the guy has 40k just chilling in his bank and has a very high paying job.  Later he admitted to losing it on me because he was just stressed.  I guess.

Then, my college went on strike.  I got really depressed and anxious about what could/would happen, a month into the strike I started self harming, and when the strike finally ended after 7 weeks, I felt defeated and took a refund offered by the college.

This has caused a lot of fights.  It was an engineering program and I felt that losing 100+ hrs of lab time would be detrimental to my grades/coop eligibility.  So starting over made more sense to me (it was only first semester of first year)

We fight a lot about money, that I don't make enough, that I must not care about my future since I'm not as far as he is (his parents paid for his schooling and let him live at home rent free during)

During a big fight, after he complained that he constantly has to tip toe around me and that my depression is frustrating, I asked him: "You keep saying you love me, but do you like me?"

He paused for a while.  The hesitation made my body numb.  He eventually said "Huh.  I don't know"

And that was that.  He essentially retreated from the conversation after that.

I feel like I can't date.  That I'm so hard to love, that I don't deserve it.  And it's exhausting.  I don't really know what to do with myself.  

Have you voluntarily stayed single cause anyone loving you is just too much work for them?  I almost feel like I'd be happier alone.  No one to disappoint, or frustrate.

I'm not even really sure what I want from this post.  I think just venting about it might be enough for now.